“I have a new talking stage!”
“So I’m kinda in a situationship right now…”
“We’ve been dating but I’m not sure if we’re dating dating.”
If you’re a part of Gen Z, which you probably are if you’re on this website, you probably hear stuff like this all the time. It’s quite possible that you’re sick of the prevailing dating culture- riddled with lovebombing, breadcrumbing, ghosting, gaslighting and virtually anything and everything but actual, permanent, committed love. You’ve been on the apps…. You’ve been in their DMs… You’ve made the vision boards full of cutesy (unrealistic) couple pictures from Pinterest… you’re sick of it all. You might be compelled to ask, “How did we end up like this? Why’s love so hard for us to find?” It’s like no one even wants to love anymore, right?
While some might argue that the idea of Gen Z being a commitment-phobic, avoidant generation is blown out of proportion, the cold stats are actually a bit more complicated. It is tempting to think that the lovelessness of our generation is some sort of societal hoax… a classic reprimand of “kids these days”, rooted in false nostalgia and general pessimism. But it isn’t. According to a Business Insider India study, 66% of Gen Z respondents accept that “not all relationships will be permanent”, with 70% rejecting a limiting romantic relationship altogether. But that doesn’t tell the complete story. According to another study by the Times UK, Gen Z is actually more pro-marriage than millennials (only 21% of Gen Z respondents in 2024 agreed with the statement “marriage is an irrelevant institution”, as opposed to 39% of young adults 20 years ago), and less likely to have casual sex (only 23% of Gen Z respondents agreed that members of their friend groups engage in one night stands, as opposed to a staggering 74% of young adults 20 years ago). What these numbers point to is a generation which, as the title of this article suggests, is love-starved yet loveless. We want to commit, yet we aren’t able to. Which begs the question, why? Why can’t Gen Z pull?
oVER-LABELLING
Gen Z loves to make a Pokémon index out of everything. For a generation that embraces fluidity in social structures and roles, we sure seem to like labels a lot. Putting things in neatly arranged boxes does have some benefits, but the detriments vastly outweigh them. With terms like situationships, QPRs, benching, ghosting… and whatnot being peddled left, right, and centre, the concept of a healthy, long-term monogamous relationship flies out of the window. There are such relationships within our generation, they do exist. But the rampant over-labelling and commodification of relationships make them seem like the final stage in a series of stages. In a word, it’s complicated. Overcomplicated, really.
The Internet
Online dating has been the bane of Gen Z’s existence. Two individuals need to have a shared context to develop feelings for one another. That’s how romantic relationships are built. What online dating does is that it completely annihilates the need for this shared context. For the sake of convenience, we’re offered the myth of choice which then yields one bad experience after another, hampering our trust in relationships and love altogether. Why do you think ghosting is so prevalent? The lack of a shared social context and in-person interactions is depersonalising and alienating. You don’t feel so bad about completely blocking a person out of your life when they only exist on your phone. Likewise, someone who ghosts you has nothing to lose. Indian content creator @anushcache talks about this in detail on her Instagram page, and she hits the nail.
While some people find long-term partners on dating apps, this is the exception and not the rule. According to the Pew Research Centre, only 12% of users found a long-term committed relationship on a dating app. What chronic internet use also does is that it keeps people confined in their internet “bubbles”, which discourages them from seeking companionship beyond their comfort zones. The oversaturated online space also has a tendency to peddle buzzwords surrounding dating and love, pushing a narrative that lacks empathy when it comes to dating. Your mum’s right. It is that damn phone.
Self-infantilisation
Gen Z has a self-infantilisation problem and it isn’t talked about enough. Our media reflects this. The rise of nostalgia-riddled Disney live-action remakes, the “I’m just a girl” meme, and the vilification of “adulting” all point to a generation that either can’t grow up or one that wants to return to a pseudo-childhood.
It isn’t entirely our fault either. Having “lost” crucial years of social development during the COVID-19 pandemic, several members of Gen Z suffer from stunted emotional development, which affects how we love. Also, maturity is denied to us. The volatile economy coupled with the rising cost of living and real estate effectively means that we can’t grow up if we want to, or at least that it makes achieving things associated with adulthood much more difficult. An article on Dazed titled “Everyone needs to grow up” explores this phenomenon in detail. According to this article, psycho-analyst Josh Cohen believes that Gen Z’s identification with our own apparent powerlessness gives us the illusion of control. But delulu is not the solulu. While the systemic issues faced by our generation must be looked into, this self-infantilisation has created a culture that tends to celebrate immaturity. Whether it is the idea that having certain (often undiagnosed) mental illnesses allows people to mistreat their partners and friends, or the idea that LGBTQIA+ individuals having a “second puberty” rids them of emotional responsibility, this celebration of immaturity and helplessness forbids us from forming meaningful romantic relationships.
So, then what? As I mentioned earlier in this article, Gen Z does want long-term relationships. However, the very oxymoronic nature of our existence is that while we are love-starved, we’re also loveless. Gen Z is more comfortable with being single than previous generations, and that’s a good thing. But those of us who want healthy, long-term relationships have no choice but to be the change we want to see. Being honest about our feelings is always important, but what we should perhaps also be doing is accepting emotional responsibility and being empathetic. Relationships mustn’t be seen as a be-all-end-all, but as a part of our lives- a mutual arrangement which is emotionally fulfilling, but not something which will solve all our problems. We must look at our partners as people first- human beings with flaws and qualities, not apps and icons on our phones. And perhaps more than anything else, we need to defeat our fear of commitment. Dating in our generation may appear to be a gloomy picture, but some of us have an immense amount of love to give, and we must find each other with patience and empathy, and the same goes for loving ourselves. 17th-century poet Mary Wroth wrote about love, and I quote, “Tied I am, yet think it gain. In such knots, I feel no pain.” Perhaps the overly complicated, frustrating experience of trying to love isn’t really exclusive to Gen Z. But how beautiful it is to love, despite all odds and woes.