For almost my entire life, I haven’t felt worthy of being loved. I’ve always had this imposter syndrome ever since I was little. Not until now, at 20 years old, have I felt comfortable enough to let myself be loved properly and allow myself to love properly. It has been a journey of self-discovery and self-love that has been tiring and difficult, but I’m finally in a position in my life where I can feel worthy and loved. And it feels amazing, beautiful, and freeing.
the story of my love life
Throughout my late teens until now, I have had bizarre and traumatic experiences with love. From my first ‘love’ at 15 years old to my current relationship. There have been many highs and many lows, all of which have shaped the person I am today, and how I perceive my life going forwards.
My first few relationships were SO wrong, and I’m sure they agree on that too. The way I allowed myself to be treated destroyed my self-view completely. Looking back on it now, a kid should never feel that way. I was 15 years old, being treated like I meant absolutely nothing. I was made to feel like I was crazy and insane for wanting to be loved and appreciated. I was just a kid experiencing complicated emotions and changes, as well as not thinking or feeling like I was good enough. I felt like I was disgusting, and, honestly, as if I shouldn’t even be alive anymore. A kid should never feel like that.
At 17, I got into my second relationship which wasn’t that much better. I gave myself away to a person who made me feel subhuman and just like a body. I experienced things I should never have experienced, just to feel like I was loved. To feel like I was something. This synthetic, torturous version of love I wish to never find me ever again. I experienced this when I was still so young, and I can’t help but feel so guilty for not escaping that situation sooner.
At 18, my first ‘love’ returned, claiming to be great, claiming to be healed, claiming they wanted me. I was soon to see this was false. I learned not everyone changes. In this relationship, I moved to university and things went downhill fast; almost immediately. They completely shut themselves off from me when I needed them most. I went through a monumental change, and they just forgot about me. They made me feel like going to uni ruined everything; that my further education, something I’ve been dreaming about since I was a child, ruined everything. My friends warned me and urged me to break up with them, but I just didn’t. This form of love seemed normal to me. I have come to realise that it was their own ignorance, selfishness, lack of emotional maturity, and self-pity that was a big contributor to the end of it. I was begging to feel something. You should never have to grovel to feel something. I begged for compliments, to feel beautiful, worthy, real. I begged for them to listen to me, but they just wouldn’t. They became a stranger to me. I was at my lowest with them and that was illustrated through my actions and appearance. I would stay up all night crying thinking (knowing) they hated me, I would go to sleep at 6 a.m., and I wouldn’t eat enough. I compromised my livelihood and education for them, and they couldn’t even give me a compliment. May this love never find me again. Note to self and to anyone reading this, NEVER go back to an ex. It’s stupid and they haven’t changed, trust me.
THE IMPORTANT LESSONS I have learned
As I mourn the girl I once was, the girl who would have sacrificed everything just to feel something, I view myself in the position I am in now; the woman I have become and the woman I aspire to be. These experiences have allowed me to grow and have taught me valuable lessons about trust, respect, love, and connection. Reminiscing on these experiences allows me to appreciate all the people who were there for me; my family and my friends who I will forever be grateful for.
And now, at 20 years old, I feel as though I have discovered how to love correctly and what it feels like to be truly loved, unconditionally, in my current relationship. I found that love felt unfamiliar to me, especially as this is so different from the conditional forms of love I have previously felt. Now that love is freely given to me, it sometimes feels overwhelming and even ‘too good to be true’.
I had to understand where my discomfort stemmed from. The conditional love I once experienced made unconditional love feel foreign, making me doubt whether I truly deserved it. I had to challenge this imposter syndrome and learn how to accept love. I had to reassure myself, saying how ‘he chooses to be with me, just as I choose to be with him’ instead of thinking ‘he’s too good for me’. I learned how to accept love and appreciation as well as letting myself feel loved for once. I’m insanely lucky to find myself in a happy and healthy relationship, but sometimes I regress and start thinking that I’m not good enough for him and that we should be arguing because that’s what I have perceived as ‘normal’ in my past relationships. But then I remember that I am worthy of being loved, as is everyone else, and that this is what love actually is and that the past is in the past. My current relationship has introduced me to the world of unconditional and true love, for which I will be forever grateful.
If I keep thinking about my evil exes, they win. They have to live with themselves every day, and to that, I say, good luck. There’s no better feeling than learning to enjoy and love again. Never will I ever fall for that façade and false love ever again; nor will I beg for love and attention. And neither should any of you reading this! You are worthy!
Accepting that growth is a process was difficult at first, but it’s now easier to understand and manage. I am proud of how far I have come in this journey of self-discovery, and I am lucky to have the people I have around me who support me, including my gorgeous, gorgeous boyfriend!