The Christmas break is over and with it is my happiness. Ok, that might be slightly melodramatic. But Term 2 has barely started and the workload is already piling up. I’m fortunate enough to have no deadlines until February, but from then on it’s pretty heavy until March, with a break in April, then resuming again in May. Essentially, now is the time to get myself together and do the work. From conversations with classmates, I can tell that I’m not alone. Year 2 has hit us all like a brick to the face.
For me, the holidays were well-needed and well-appreciated. Some of you may know that I went home at the end of week 9 due to a difficult living situation. Though this wasn’t ideal, it did mean I had an extra week of respite. I used that week to reassess my actions and recognised that it was more destructive, to myself and others. I had burned out; running on self-inflicted pressures in fear of self-inflicted punishments. I thought that, if I didn’t do the reading or push myself at the gym, then I didn’t deserve to paint. There would be no gaming, no full meals and no long baths until I did something worthwhile. Even looking in the mirror was too much- I was repulsed by the useless thing before me. I had convinced myself that I didn’t deserve anything good because I didn’t do anything good. After ugly-crying in Leam Parade and being utterly ignored by everyone (seriously? Snotty-hyperventilating-crying), I realised that it was time to ask for help. So I called my mum and begged her to take me home.
Now, I recognise how unhealthy that was, but I thought it was true. I knew I couldn’t keep living like that, but I’m so proud of myself for being the change. So I accepted the toxicity and used the Christmas break to take it slowly, not forcing myself to do work but reminding myself who I am and what I enjoy. Sure, the days are still hard, but I know they are worth it. And so, I whole-heartedly appreciate the Christmas break, not just for the festivities but as an opportunity to re-discover myself. I met up with old school friends, saw family and started a new painting. It was also a good chance to earn some money at my holiday job.
With the return to uni, I hope to continue these positive behaviours. But I’m an expert in unfulfilled promises, especially those I made to myself. Now is the time to change, both myself and my environment. That’s why, although I wholeheartedly appreciate the familiarity and comforts of home, I know that university is where I’m meant to be. The days may be harder and longer, but the experiences I have are worthwhile. There’s something special about finding like-minded people and going to society events that I can’t explain, and am not ready to part from. The student discounts, unusual conversations and freedom makes the workload manageable. Even though I spend my days stressing over required reading, assignments and balancing my work-home life, things could be a lot worse. When I’m at home I feel lost. Sure, it’s nice to have no responsibilities, but I don’t feel that I have a purpose. For me, there are only so many walks I can take and family interactions I can manage before frustration keeps in. Even though the re-adjustment to uni is hard, it will soon pass (likely when I go back to binge-watching Tv instead of working).
Change is inevitable, and so I’ve learnt that the best thing I can do is accept it and adapt. My life may be torn between university and home, but that isn’t unusual. Don’t we all have different versions of ourselves? Is the person you are today the same as it was last year? Are you the same around friends as you are in interviews? I’m hopeful that, if I plan my day the night before and slowly work on upcoming deadlines, I will make it through the term. University life may be a big re-adjustment, even after a short break, but it is one that I signed up to. When I feel lost, I will step back and remind myself why I went to uni: to grow and to make change. I encourage you to do the same, mushy as it is. The adjustment might not seem so challenging.