Chappell Roan is my favourite up-and-coming pop diva right now. Two months later, I was lucky enough to attend one of her tour dates at the O2 Brixton. So, my friends and I got all dressed up in our red outfits and we headed off to London. (She had allocated different themes for each night — ours was My Kink is Karma). I had been waiting for this day for months.
The last straw
The excitement and passion was palpable in the air when we (finally) entered the venue. It was AMAZING to see so many women and queer people in one place — there were even some parents with their kids which really made me smile. The opening act soon began — some incredible drag queens who filled the venue with adoring screams.
My friend and I quickly dashed to the toilets as soon as it was over, afraid to miss a single second of Chappell. It was at this moment that another concert-goer, having just purchased two pints from one of those over-priced, automatic machines, span around, and we collided; suddenly, I was covered in beer.
This person then proceeded to blame me for spilling his drinks and demanded that I buy him some more. I began trying to explain my reasoning for not doing this (as you can imagine) but he was adamant that it was me who had wasted his money. Not only this, but when I tried to walk away, he shouted after me and tried to follow my friend and I. Rudeness and aggression at a Chappell Roan concert of all places. I was gobsmacked. This moment unfortunately soured the remainder of my concert experience, resulting in my early departure from the venue.
Smelling like a brewery, I skulked through the cold London rain back home. After my initial fear and sadness had passed, I suddenly became very angry. I started blaming myself for feeling this way. What was I really upset about — the fact that it had happened, or the fact that I had let it happen? Would he have still attacked me if I was a man? Denouncing men to your friends is one thing, but actually standing up to them can be so difficult. Besides, hardening yourself against masculine aggression can be very exhausting (and I salute the women who, for example, have the bottle to bark at cat-callers). A lot of previous feminist media teaches women that, in order to overcome their oppression, they must act like men. But as the movement transitions into its fourth wave, and away from mainstream ‘girlboss’ feminism, women are finding that there is strength in individuality, in being themselves, rather than partaking in toxic masculine behaviours. Recent trends of embracing girlhood as a form of feminism, consuming typically ‘childish’ or ‘girlish’ culture, show that toxic masculinity does not equal power, although it is hard to unlearn what we have been taught. The idea is to give ourselves power before trying to strip men of theirs and, in the process, decentring and devaluing the influence of men on our lives. This may seem like an obvious point to make, particularly to those who consider themselves to be a feminist, but I feel like it’s such an easy thing to forget.
I digress, though. Bad experiences with men are certainly a reason for my flailing interest in partaking in nightlife, and that got me thinking — whilst it is important to stand up to men, sometimes you just want to feel safe and comfortable in your environment. You shouldn’t have to feel like you have to have your guard up constantly, just in case you are challenged or harassed. You shouldn’t have to feel like you can’t wear what you want in case someone stares at you. Sometimes you just want to escape to your own little whimsical matriarchal land and pretend you’re in a Barbie film, surrounded by only women and queer people — and there is nothing wrong with this. (I promise once I returned to the crowd at Chappell Roan, this was the case — she was an angel who worked hard to try and protect the concert-goers).
Evidently, then, co-existence with men can be draining. I wondered what the answer to this problem could be, and surmised that it has been brewing for a long time.
MY SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION
This whole situation got me thinking about all-female spaces, and how important they are for the mental health of women and liberation from gender-based harassment. And yet it still seems like they’re hard to find.
1. Hostels
If you are ever travelling away from home, a lot of hostels offer women-only dormitories for no extra cost. This is a great way to reduce anxiety surrounding being in a new environment, where you may be unsure what safety levels are like if you are female-presenting.
2. Club nights
This past summer, with the release of Charli xcx’s BRAT, there have been lots of discussions in queer communities about third places, a sociological concept proposed by Ray Oldenburg. The idea is that we as humans need a third space separate from home and work/school where we gather to build a community and socialise. All-female and non-binary club nights are a perfect third place to meet new people and really let your hair down (if that’s your thing!).
3. University events
In the same vein, a lot of universities hold events for women and non-binary people only. This includes club nights, but also sober events as well — at Warwick, for example, there are many sports events and self-defence classes for non-men only. And of course, there is always Her Campus, where all of our writers are women or non-binary!
4.Women’s sports teams
Universities and external sports centres/clubs also have single-sex sports teams for people who are interested. Team sports are a great way to stay active whilst also integrating yourself into a safe and passionate community.
5. Sapphic clubs/societies
This one’s for my queer girlies — being aligned with femininity and being queer can be difficult and isolating (speaking from experience). Therefore, I feel strongly that it cannot be navigated alone.
At Warwick, we have Sapphic Soc. The lovely exec holds events which prioritise safe spaces for queer wlw/nblw of colour, such as poetry nights, informative workshops, and even gaming sessions — and a safe space to yap about queer pop culture, go out and have fun!
6. Seek out female-owned (small) businesses
Discrimination against either sex during hiring for positions is of course forbidden. However, supporting and applying to female-led businesses can be a great way to surround yourself with more women. Being a woman or female-presenting in the retail or food industry can be especially difficult. More often than not, female business owners will understand this experience and are working to make a difference in how workers are treated. I emphasise the small business element of this environment, as working on a larger scale as a non-man can be rough.
Support female business owners — especially in the run-up to Christmas! They are so important to communities and massive inspirations.
REFLECTION
To see Chappell Roan stand up to rude men in the media recently is really refreshing to see, but equally the backlash she has faced for actually setting boundaries and putting herself first is, quite frankly, disheartening. Nonetheless, I think we should be following her example of nurturing safe spaces and prioritising one’s own mental health. You are allowed to be angry and, simultaneously, it’s okay to not be outspoken and fight back all the time. It can be SO exhausting — take time for yourself as well! Remember, you can be feminine and still strong. You can be kind, non-confrontational, and still strong. You can fight back, but only if you put yourself first.
As for gigs, it would of course be controversial for an artist to allow only women and non-binary people access to their shows (although wouldn’t that be heaven?) — if you understand that yes, actually, it is all men, these places are a great way to make more female and queer friends, share your own experiences, and nurture your own individuality away from masculine threats. If you want to keep standing up for yourself and what you believe in, you need to put YOU first.