It seems like you can’t step inside a frat, bar or club these days without seeing a DFMO – dance floor make out. And with the latest raunchy Sex Issue of StudLife, the controversy over whether Bristol Palin should be able to preach to us about abstinence, and even the lingering feelings from Valentine’s Day, it is obvious that sex is a persistent thought on the minds of WashU students.
However, according to a survey in the 2011 Sex Issue of StudLife, only a little more than half of us are no longer virgins. And in 2010, approximately 37% of students in the School of Arts & Sciences reported being virgins – which is more than the amount of WashU undergraduate students involved in Greek life. So what does it mean to feel inexperienced in the sexualized setting of a college campus?
“Please just have sex with me? Please?” That’s what a boy said to a friend of a friend of mine one night when they were hooking up. Her response: “Um. No.” They had hooked up twice, and had been friends for a while before that, but still, she wasn’t looking to have sex that night.
This friend of a friend has actually never had sex before, but she isn’t in any rush to lose her V-card. “I’m confused why people think it’s OK to do things just because someone expects something from you,” she says sincerely. She elaborates, “I was pretty nervous the first time I hooked up with someone here, because I wasn’t sure what was expected of me. But then I just realized that I can do things my own way and I don’t really care as much whether it makes the boy happy.”
She concedes that she definitely feels pressure once she has hooked up with a guy more than once. “I think it’s a disappointment for guys when you don’t do anything other than make out, but if it’s a repeated hook up then I normally just tell the boy where I’m at and see how he feels about it,” she explains.
A friend of mine shed some more light on the pressures girls feel in the hook-up world. She cautions, “I think it depends on how you have presented yourself; if you are in their room with them, then there is obviously more pressure than if you are in a room with other people.” And what about alcohol? Perhaps cynically, this friend thinks that boys usually want to do more than make out, and when alcohol lowers their inhibitions, guys are more likely to push the issue.
“I’m just going to take my shirt off, in case I get hot.” One girl I spoke with cited boys as the source of pressure in the hook-up culture. She said, “guys definitely pressure girls into doing things, but then there is also a negative stigma for girls if they hook up with too many people. But it’s cool for guys to hook up with a lot of girls.” Right – it’s not like this is any groundbreaking news. So while girls try not to appear too forward, boys don’t hold back. One time, a boy was so eager when hooking up with my friend that he actually said, “I think I’m just going to take my shirt off, in case I get hot.”
A current sophomore reflected back on the trials and tribulations of her freshman year, saying, “You end up just kissing a lot of people because you are excited to be in college and everyone seems super sexually active and you want to be a part of it. But then you inadvertently become a make-out slut because you feel like when you go out, that is what you are supposed to do.” Her friend interrupts, chiming in, “And then, if you don’t hook up with someone, then it feels like the night was a failure.”
She continues, “And I’ve learned, through being single as a sophomore, that as you get older, there is more pressure for you to go farther. The pressure is internal. It is you perceiving that the guy wants to do more than just make out. ” Her friend regains the floor, clarifying, “I really regretted one hook-up in particular because I felt pressure to give a blowjob because he was a year older than me and so I thought he was more experienced. Afterwards, I just felt like a silly freshman because I didn’t really know him, I didn’t like him and we never talked again.”
Party pooper? A boy once accused a girl I know of being a party pooper when she wanted to go to sleep instead of continuing to hook up. Pish tosh to that. The bottom line is that you should only do what you are comfortable with. For many people that means waiting, for others it means just getting it over with, and for some it means being vague – or maybe even lying – about your experience in general. Regardless, it’s all fine.
There is no perfect solution for feeling inexperienced in college. But then again, who says that it is a problem? The double bind is that those who want to gain experience may worry about revealing their innocence, yet the only way to become experienced is by trying new things.
So what is a girl to do if she actually wants to hook up and have sex? Catch up on the latest Cosmo and head out. My feeling is that girls should ignore what they think guys want them to do, and only do what they want to do. And that goes for wanting to express your sexuality and experiment, too. But doing something that you are not comfortable with will most likely not make you feel good, whereas waiting until the moment is right can certainly have spectacular results.