I’ve always found myself avoiding New Year reflections. My friends would ask me, “How have you grown the past year?” and “In what areas do you want to continue growing?”. I would answer their questions by coming up with all these lies, but I don’t believe I’ve grown at all. Maybe I’ve changed, but I definitely did not grow. Or rather grow in what I want to improve on.
Sometimes I feel silly about how much I crave a new, better version of myself when the New Year rolls around. The year 2022 takes second place for one of the worst years, following right behind 2021. I guess that is some kind of improvement.
I know I shouldn’t be such a Debby Downer because it’s a new year so a new start, yet again and again, I feel this pressure to become something great after a terrible year. Right on January 1st, I want to flip this switch and become someone different. I believed if I had some involvement with my past self, that I’ll never be great.
I feel this need to morph all the pain I went through or caused last year into something successful. After many years of losing relationships, going through self-doubt, or dealing with my anxiety, if I don’t turn all this damage into something acceptable, then I would feel more of a failure.
I felt this need in the past to write my pain like Sylvia Plath. Knowing very well that I probably can’t. I don’t think there is anything wrong in expressing your pain through writing or other forms of art, but I don’t think it’s the only way to.
BoJack Horseman, a popular show on Netflix, deals with this idea. In season 6 episode 10, Diane, one of the main characters feels the need to write a book of essays about her painful past, and to her, it feels like if she doesn’t, then all the damage she went through feels pointless. For her there needs to be a reason and meaning behind the damage she went through or else it wouldn’t be considered “good damage.” It would just be “damage.”
Diane goes on later in the scene talking about how she needs to write this book of essays instead of this young adult book about girl detectives. However, she does decide that this young adult book can still be a way to move past her traumas and still help others.
BoJack Horseman remains a popular show because it isn’t afraid to show the flaws in society. Diane learns that instead of writing down all the pain she went through, she can move past it by also filling her life with joy. As much as it is important to relate to the author’s past, the form of escapism is vital as well.
This might sound cliché, but whatever I went through in the past relating to pain and trauma, doesn’t need to define who I am now. More precisely, I did grow as a person from my trauma and pain, but other aspects of my life define who I am now as well.
This year I want to be more natural with what I write instead of forcing all my pain into my writing. This doesn’t mean I should completely avoid this damaged part of me, I just don’t want to glorify pain in my writing when I am so much more than my damage. I don’t need to only write when I’m down in the dumps, but I should also write when I feel joy! I want to feel more comfortable sharing aspects of my life that have made me feel happy. It is okay to not be okay, but it is okay to be okay.