There is something so special about sitting down in a theater, the lights dimming, the chatter silencing, and one of the worst movies you have ever seen beginning. A few weekends ago, I had the great displeasure of viewing the hit film It’s A Wonderful Knife: an incomprehensibly star-studded Christmas slasher that was released in early November, for some reason.
Every second of this film took me further and further out of the Christmas spirit, and by the end, I was ready to kick Tiny Tim’s crutch out from under him. Combining a horrible, convoluted screenplay, car commercial-esque visuals, boring scares, a last-minute gay subplot, and Justin Long with a fake tan/weird veneers/southern-ish accent is the perfect recipe for one of the best worst movies I have ever seen. I think it could easily become one I force my friends to watch with me every single year.
I am now going to dive into spoilers, so if for some reason you decide that you would like to subject yourself to this film, I recommend stopping here. Going in blind fuels the fever dream that is so central to the It’s A Wonderful Knife experience.
As the title suggests, this story is loosely based on the Christmas classic It’s A Wonderful Life. Though, the new slasher is missing every bit of charm and heart that makes Life so special! Isn’t that fantastic?
The story follows Winnie Carruthers during Christmas time in Angel Falls, a picture-perfect town where everyone knows everyone. She wants to celebrate with her family, but her father (played by UW alumnus Joel McHale!) is dragged away by his boss, the town… mayor (?), Henry Waters (Justin Long). I don’t know precisely what Waters’ job is, but it’s sinister. He is looking to repossess the property of Winnie’s best friend Cara’s grandfather to build a shopping center. What I like most about this plot line is that Justin Long is being weird and campy the whole time while everyone else is acting (albeit poorly) like normal, small-town folk. How did he come into a position of power here? Presumably, he and his brother Buck were raised in Angel Falls—why is he the only southern belle in a vaguely Canadian space? Why did the team decide to give him fake teeth? Why is his big dream a large shopping center? The questions never cease.
So on Christmas night, Winnie goes to an annual party with Cara and her twin brother, Jimmy. Meanwhile, Henry Waters and Joel McHale go to talk Cara’s grandfather into giving up the home, which he refuses to do. Mysteriously afterward, a figure in all-white kills him. The same figure shows up at the party, kills Cara/Cara’s boyfriend, and attacks Winnie. Jimmy saves Winnie, and she electrocutes the killer to death via Christmas lights. She unmasks the killer who is none other than Henry Waters.
All of this is obviously incredibly traumatic, but a year later everyone except Winnie has moved on. Her family members are all so rude to her about her grief, genuinely telling her to just suck it up and move on because she’s being a drag. And even better, her boyfriend has been cheating on her for the past year and blames her for not noticing. It’s so insane! Why are they all so awful? I understand fundamentally she needs to be miserable in order to properly follow the Wonderful Life thing, but isn’t the death of her best friend and her best friend’s grandfather more than enough?
She goes to look at the Aurora Borealis (that are, of course, visible right now) after a confrontation with her family and wishes she was never born. Christmas magic transports her to an alternate Angel Falls where she wasn’t. Things are awful, Henry Waters is the ruler of the town, his brother Buck is the head police officer, the killer (now called the Angel) kills people weekly and has yet to be caught, Jimmy is dead, Winnie’s boyfriend is dating the other girl, and her mother is having an affair because her father is always at work with the Waters boys—all because she wasn’t there to stop Henry’s killing spree. Now, she’s stuck in a world where only she knows the truth, and nobody knows who she is.
A girl called Weirdo (I can’t remember her real name) eventually believes Winnie, and they team up to defeat Waters/get Winnie home. They take the Angel down and discover that Winnie’s father was forced into the role in this reality, so they still have to kill Henry again to get her home. I don’t understand the logic behind this, but it’s what leads to the best scene in the whole movie, so I allow it.
During a tree lighting ceremony, Henry Waters has the surviving citizens of Angel Falls under a trance that makes their eyes glow green and removes their ability to think or move independently. There is no mention of this sudden superpower in any other scene, and it isn’t even touched on during this one. I have no clue why they threw this in, but it is so funny.
Of course, though, Waters is killed, and his spell dissipates. Weirdo rushes Winnie back to look at the Borealis and wishes her way home. As she is disappearing, they kiss for some reason, even though there is no buildup to any sexual or romantic feelings between them!
Once home, Winnie forgives her family and her ex-boyfriend because she is just so happy to be back in reality where everyone harasses her for experiencing negative emotions after a terrifying event (and because of Christmas spirit, obviously)! She also goes to find Weirdo, who somehow is aware of the events in the other reality. This is also not explained, I don’t know why she’s the only one Winnie interacts with who remembers, but whatever, I guess. Love perseveres.
I think that everyone should see this movie. Not for any good reason, I just need more people to understand what I went through. It’s so bad and it’s so fun and It’s A Wonderful Knife. Merry Christmas, all! And remember, only Henry Waters can tell if you’re naughty or nice.