I got into bed on election night around 10:00 pm PST. I decided that refreshing my phone every five minutes was just making me feel worse and that I should rest up and get over the cold I’d been nursing for over a week. I prayed to God for the first time in Hansee Hall. I’ve never been religious, but I was so desperate I begged anything out there to turn Pennsylvania blue. I think it’s silly now; what god is going to listen to a prayer for someone who has never believed in him? But I’ve always loved an underdog, so it felt right at the time.
Very predictably, I couldn’t actually get myself to sleep. I spent an hour or so alternating between blowing my nose, switching what side of the bed I was on, and trying to focus on the episode of Brooke and Connor Make a Podcast I had put on. I couldn’t handle not knowing, and at some point, I caved in, checked my phone, and saw PA colored in red. I passed out almost minutes later.
I didn’t know what to do other than treat the next day as any other Wednesday. But every mundane step I took was countered by a heavy reminder of last night’s results. I got breakfast with my boyfriend and we played the NYT games while we were bombarded by headlines. I changed my clothes and took my cold medicine, but the classes I was preparing for were canceled. I watched The Muppets Movie in bed while I wondered how the morals from childhood movies didn’t seem to stick with anyone but me. I went to the Student Services Office for my job, but I spent my prep time arguing with an old friend on Instagram DMs. My best friends and I went to Target to look at the Christmas goodies, but the car felt heavy from the fear we were all carrying. Plenty of friends and some family checked in on me (and vice versa) but the subject was ignored by so many others.
All my actions were the same as every other day I spent, but they couldn’t have been more different. It’s strange to go through the same old motions while feeling the worst anxiety you’ve ever dealt with.
I was, and am, feeling quite bad. I am sad for two of my best friends who have been planning their wedding for two years now. They’re the nicest girls I know, but they have to rush and have a courthouse ceremony instead of the summer reception they long for. I’m scared that I may never be able to buy a home with my partner. I’m scared for the safety and livelihood of every single POC in this country. I’m sad more than one of my friends believes me to be immature for not maintaining relationships with those who don’t believe in people’s fundamental rights. I’m scared more than anything that the climate crisis will never heal, that the future I have been working towards is already gone.
Having gotten some full nights of sleep now, my outlook is sunnier. Not good by any means, but sunnier. Things are going to be bad for so many people I hold dear, but we will be together while they are bad. We will watch movies, go for drives eat good food, sing bad songs, play games, laugh together, and love each other loudly. It’s a comfort to know that the humanity in each of us can’t be taken away, no matter who is in office. Do whatever it is you need to remind yourself it’s still there.
If you are scared and sad the way I am, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of strengthening your community. Tighten the bonds that are already there and make plenty of new ones. Do what you can to make things better for others, whether it’s volunteering your time, organizing local initiatives, or just sharing your leftovers with your neighbor. Building a foundation of support and compassion in your day-to-day not only improves the lives of those around you but helps to make our shaky and uncertain future much less tumultuous. Now more than ever is a time for you to be a voice for those whose futures have suddenly become much bleaker.
We have been here before, and we will get through it again.