Everyone always told me that college would be the best four years of my life, a time filled with fast-paced events, parties, and lifelong friendships. It would be a chance to start new, break out of my comfort zone, and experience the fun parts of life I always dreamed of. Unfortunately, my introversion, which has heightened over the last few years, made my dream of the “perfect” college experience far more difficult. Though I want to make friends, I often struggle to introduce myself to others, attend parties, or go to large events. Slowly, I began to resent my own company and couldn’t help but wonder why everyone else was living their best lives except me.
I’ve been an introvert for as long as I can remember, but I haven’t always been lonely. When I was in high school, I had a great group of friends and never struggled to strike up a conversation between a friend or acquaintance. Ever since the pandemic and social isolation, I’ve never felt the same. Sure, I met a few people through my roommates or classes, but those friendships never turned into something more than a casual conversation or wave as we passed by each other on campus. Days I should have been spending with my newfound friends turned into nights of silently crying into my pillow. It truly hurt me to see others find their people when I was spending almost all of my time alone.
Eventually, I grew tired of feeling sorry for myself and found other ways to keep myself busy. I threw myself into my schoolwork and attempted to join some clubs to keep myself from getting lost in my thoughts. And for the most part, it worked. The busier I was, the more content I felt with my life. However, weekends that I spent home alone with nothing to do truly heightened my loneliness and insecurities. My contentedness would slowly disappear, and everything would come crashing down right back to where it started. Social media was no help, and the constant posts of people at parties and big group activities reinforced my sense of isolation and abandonment. It’s been almost a year and a half since I started college, and I still struggle with making friends and truly feel inadequate.
I spent almost all of my time blaming others for my problems, but I eventually realized that I’m part of the problem too. I rarely ask people to hang out out of fear of rejection and stay quiet out of fear of judgment. Beginning to reach out to people and attending more social events (alone) might help me come out of this slump and help me feel like less of an outcast.
Coming to terms with my introversion has been really difficult for me, but I know I’ll eventually learn to be content with it. I guess for me, the “traditional” college experience was unfulfilling; I’d rather spend my time with a select few individuals who uplift me instead of partying and going out with people I barely know. Maybe I was never meant to have a ton of friends and maybe I should learn to accept it. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying. And hopefully one day, I’ll be happy with myself, gain my confidence back, and truly feel like I belong.