The one thing I have always struggled with— and I’m sure a lot of people have as well—is self love. I have never, ever been confident in myself, and it has been like this for the past 18 years or so in my life. I would always compare myself to someone better, someone prettier, someone smarter. I never felt like I was enough for anyone, or myself. I remember being 12 years old, an age when you are supposed to be carefree and curious and spontaneous, but instead I was crying in my room every other night, wondering why I didn’t look like other girls, or why I wasn’t able to make friends very easily, or why I wasn’t athletic. I could blame my hatred for myself on a lot of things, like internalized racism, or sexism, or capitalism and the fight to always be on the top, but ultimately, what I thought of myself was up to me. For some reason, I had never seen myself in a bright light. I put myself second, or third, or twenty seventh. I remember in highschool, if my friend and I liked the same guy, I would automatically back down because I thought that they would never pick me. My constant thought was, “Why would they?”Â
Self hatred sucks. I know that so many people go through this same pain that I did, that they look in the mirror and don’t like what they see. Maybe they don’t think they are skinny enough, or thick enough, or smart enough, or light enough, or anything at all. Girls and boys all over the world cry themselves to sleep because they feel like they are constantly being punched in the gut, because they an ache in their throat that never subsides, because it comes from within. I know that, I’ve been that, and it sucks. It sucks feeling that you are inadequate, and never being able to reach the hierarchy of those around you. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay that you have these feelings. It’s okay that you feel like shit, because everyone feels like shit about themselves at some point. The difference is, most people submerge themselves in it, rather than try to change it.
I didn’t even realize my insecurities were limiting me until my friend pointed it out. She sat me down, and scolded me for always giving everyone the right away before me, even if I wanted something just as bad as they did. That because I was insecure, I wouldn’t try to reach for goals that I wanted, and I was at a standstill. I couldn’t move up if I keep tying weights around my ankles. She was right. You can’t go very far if all you do is think you are worthless. You need to try and fix it, change your mindset.
I have been trying. I’ve been trying to put myself first, taking more pictures, dressing up more, reading more books, asking more questions. Whenever a self deprecating thought flashes my mind, I stop it, and re-word it. Instead of “Oh, I’m not good enough to apply for this internship,” it’s, “I have great skills I have attained throughout my life, and I may not have the most on my resume, but I am definitely good enough.” It might seem stupid in the moment, I know that sometimes I roll my eyes at what I say because I don’t believe it, but weirdly enough, I start to believe it. That’s how I have been building my confidence slowly by slowly, and maybe my method might not be for everyone, but you should try to find your method. Try to heal yourself, make yourself better. Life gets so much better when you feel good about yourself. It’s easier to talk to people, to study, to advance yourself. Hope is what drives people, and if you have no hope in yourself, how will you ever lift yourself up into happiness?
Self love is important. Self love is valid. Self love is underrated. Many people have taken self deprecation and made it into a fad or trend, like it’s cool to hate yourself and have depression and anxiety and so forth, but it’s not. Please take care of yourself, and always put your mental health first.
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