January 1st, I boarded a plane with a one way ticket to start my winter quarter studying abroad. Three months away from the dystopia that is back home. A swing in the emotional pendulum began while the days were quickly approaching January 20th. It suddenly felt like a doomsday clock was ticking a little faster than before, and the pit in my stomach grew. Since that Monday, the happiness feel is often short-lived. I’ll be walking, embracing the history of Rome, and then open up my phone to see awful headlines. The jokes about being away feel less like jokes, and more like a lucky escape.
These moments have left a question racing through my mind: How do I tackle the feelings of guilt over not experiencing what my family and loved ones are over in the states while also enjoying my time abroad? At what point is being too tapped into what is happening in my home detrimental to my studying abroad, and, vice versa, when is being too disconnected just relying on ignorance to keep me afloat? This question and balancing act is something that I’m still struggling to find, and I doubt it’s fully possible to find such a balance in an Orwellian-feeling society.
Tiktok being removed from the social spheres for those 14 hours and suddenly reappearing has given me a slight taste abroad of what that censored world could feel like.
This is all the more reason to go back to finding that balance of fun and dread. I have learned to give myself grace with feelings of guilt and feelings of being so far from what is happening. Erasing those feelings of guilt over not necessarily needing to immediately pay attention to everything happening is something that feels wrong, but mulling over the stresses I’m feeling is just a cycle of being sad. In an attempt to save my sanity, I have given myself a cut off for how long of a scroll through news platforms I can do in a day. My current cut off for reading and spiraling is no more than 30 minutes a day.
Additionally, something I have found to be a place to save my anxiety is my journal. My red notebook that I bought in a random bookstore in Rome has turned into a diary, a time capsule, and a place to just vent. This is the place where I vent whenever I need to just let everything out. Pen to paper, I allow my mind to wander and write everything that I’m feeling on a little piece of paper. Among other things, journaling has been a valuable resource for navigating my stress while abroad, allowing me to find a balance and enjoy this adventure as much as possible.