I really hate talking to someone who is a people person sometimes.
Not because they’re annoying, or narcissistic or anything. In fact, most people who love being social are extremely sweet, easy to get along with, and likeable. As someone who isn’t like that, it can suck talking to them, because it makes you feel like, well, shit.
I remember my junior year of high school, I was sitting in an empty playground with two of my best friends at the time, both of whom were really extroverted and extremely social people, and I tried to talk to them about how I felt like I had no friends. I told them that apart from the two of them, I didn’t feel like I had someone that I was really friends with. They both laughed because they thought I was joking. One said, “what do you mean, you don’t have friends? You have tons of friends, we hang out with them all the time!” The other said, “yeah, I think you’re just exaggerating,” So, I nodded, and I never brought it up again, because that was the point that I realized that they didn’t get it, and frankly, they probably never would.
You see, these friends they were talking about were their friends. They hung out with them, and I just happened to be there. Sure, they joked and laughed with me in the moment, but that was it. Just moments. I wouldn’t hang out with them when my friends weren’t there, I would see their Snapchats of fun nights without me, and I would hear them talk about their plans that didn’t involve me, in front of me. I constantly felt left out in high school, and as I entered college, sometimes continued to as well.
It’s hard to see people who you want to get along with so much, not feel the same way about you. Or, you think they do, only to find out that they hang out with everyone else all the time without you. It’s hard not to be one of those people who just doesn’t click that well with others, who isn’t instantly relatable and well liked. It’s hard to have to put 110% into every conversation in the hopes of being that person that everyone likes, or the life of the party, especially as an introvert. It’s hard not to let it get to you, and that maybe it’s just you, and that there’s something wrong with you. It’s hard to be yourself when that doesn’t seem to cut it.
It’s something that I have struggled with my whole life, especially as someone who moved quite frequently in my life. Having friends that were extroverted, liked, and fun made me feel like I was not. It took me such a long time to realize that maybe it wasn’t me. That my worth didn’t lie in the opinions of others, but rather, who I was and what I did. That constantly exerting myself for people who weren’t putting in nearly as much as effort as I was wasn’t worth it, and hey, maybe that might lower my chances of being cool, or like-able, but if I was content with myself, and didn’t feel like I had run a mental marathon at the end of the day, that it was okay.
I know that there are lots of people who feel this way. Just because it isn’t talked about doesn’t mean it isn’t felt. Millions of people feel left out, and insecure about who they are. I was unfortunate to be surrounded by the small percentage of people who didn’t feel this way when I aired out my feelings out for the first time, and it made me feel alone, and weird, like I was an anomaly. I know now that I’m not, and that in order for me to truly find people who love and appreciate me for who I am, I just need to be myself. It might take longer, and it might not be the greatest feeling in the world at the moment, but it’s something I need to do. It doesn’t mean I don’t put myself out there, and put in an effort. I just know when to stop and not obsess over it like I used to.
It’s hard sometimes for me, especially when I feel like I’m falling behind in forming close friendships sometimes. I’m sure it’s hard for everyone who goes through this, too. There have been several times when I felt really bad about myself, and wished I wasn’t the way I was. It’s times like those when I give myself a pep talk, and remind myself of all the wonderful people that I have acquired in my life that I did so by just being myself, and that just because it isn’t great now doesn’t mean it won’t be in the future.