“What did you think would happen?”
“Did you really have to go to the cops?”
Things guys I knew told me after I reported the crime.
**Content warning: Self-harm, suicide, and sexual violence.
“I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too long”, or so the recent Marshmello song goes. From March of 2016 to now I have remained silent about the assault experience I went through. For the sake of all parties involved, I will not be diving too deep into the explicit details of the crime. However, in light of all the brave women in Hollywood coming forward to share their stories of sexual harassment in the workplace, I have been inspired to finally share my experience, or at least part of it.
The traumatic experience I went through finally came to a close in September, and although I debated writing this article sooner, it is still a difficult subject to talk about. Although, if I can share my positive experience with the Regional Police with other young women, and it inspires others to come forward, then perhaps one good thing can come from this.
1. Reporting the crime
Deciding whether or not to come forward with what happened was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I first went to campus police and they redirected me to the regional sector. I had a few close friends come with me to report the crime, and this made me feel a lot less vulnerable. They were there for me through the entire process and I am so grateful for that. I don’t think I would have survived this experience without them. Anyways, when I finally reported the crime I had to make an appointment to speak with a detective and provide all evidence of what had happened.
2. My experience with the police
In reporting this crime to regional police, I never felt an ounce of victim blaming. I felt listened to and respected throughout the entire process. From the moment I showed up at the police station, to the time it was over. I never once felt like I had to justify what I was going through. They also ensured I had proper counselling along the way, and was able to receive therapy for what had happened. When you are feeling that exposed and vulnerable, just to be able to have someone to really listen to you can make every bit of a difference. Whether it is a friend, a counsellor, or a mentor. Opening up about what has happened is extremely hard, but it is reassuring to know you have people to help you through what has happened.
3. Waiting
The legal system in Canada isn’t a smooth car ride, but rather a strenuous twelve hour bus trip, that makes several uneasy stops along the way. Waiting out the process was an emotional rollercoaster, especially for someone who deals with a lot of anxiety naturally; not knowing the outcome of this situation nearly killed me. There were a lot of times I felt completely alone. I was fortunate to have friends and family who were there to listen and be a shoulder to cry on, however, at the end of the day you are the only one who really understands what you went through. That can feel really isolating. There were times I felt so worthless. I don’t think the person who did this will ever fully understand how worthless they made me feel. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. However, if I’ve learnt anything over the years it’s that either way, you still have to live with the trauma. You can’t run from yourself. Whether you speak about it or not — the memory stays with you. Speaking about it at least holds harassers accountable, for what they’ve done, and it gives you a bit of closure.
4. The aftermath
Closure is a funny thing. It makes it sound like a chapter has finally ended. The book is closed. You can return it to a spot on the shelf and never open it again. Unfortunately, real life isn’t that clear cut. There are times when you will hear a song lyric, read something in the paper, or hear something in passing that will send your mind on a wandering spiral of past events. Just because an experience has come to pass doesn’t mean it won’t haunt you occasionally. I say this not to make you afraid to come forward, and speak your truth, but as an honest fact of the matter. Coming forward and facing what happened has made me a lot stronger and less afraid of whatever I face next, but it doesn’t come without its share of challenging days. They definitely aren’t all bad though, and in my experience, reporting the crime is the first step to eventually making peace with the situation.
I hope you find the courage and strength to deal with what your facing and know that there are resources at your disposal. We are extremely fortunate to live in a country, that actually hears our stories of abuse, and offers everyone access to means of dealing with them. I also hope you find it in you to speak your truth and find ways to make peace with your past.
Here is the number for Good2Talk, a helpline for professional and confidential support for postsecondary students in Ontario: 1-866-925-5454
Most schools also have an on-campus police department as well. Don’t be afraid to reach out to them for help. Lastly, please remember that no matter how completely alone you may feel, there are always good people who care and want to help. Use your resources and stay strong.