I remember I was prepping for a job interview and the typical question came up: what’s your greatest weakness? Automatically, I started brainstorming some weaknesses of mine: indecisiveness, procrastination, being too idealistic and being too good looking (I know I’m distracting :) ). Until I got to one big flaw of mine: being too overcritical of my mistakes. I’ve noticed I’ve had this flaw ever since I said something really embarrassing to someone. Even though I didn’t face any consequences, I kept on belittling myself every day over that mistake. I had thought I was overcritical just for small things but I realized this flaw has come up time after time throughout my life.
During grade 11, I lost my iPhone. Even though my parents told me they could buy me a new phone right away, I was so ashamed and embarrassed of myself that I decided I didn’t deserve a new phone. Rather than letting go and accepting this mistake, I let myself not have a phone for 4-5 months as a way to punish myself.
During one of my first jobs, I remember I was so hard on myself for all the little mistakes I made, all of my weaknesses. I kept comparing myself to others. It was until someone told me that “it’s fine you’re learning,” that I realized I needed to stop being so overcritical. I needed to give myself a break. I am doing a fantastic job (according to my work evaluation) and I need to let go and breathe.
Even with grades! I always beat myself up for not getting a higher mark in a course or making silly mistakes. It causes me to forget that I put in 1000% effort and my work ethic defines me, not my marks.
My inability to accept my mistakes has caused me to shut off from others. When I was facing issues with my friends, I never opened up to anyone about it. Even though both parties made mistakes, I never told anyone what happened because I was scared to admit I did something wrong.
I began to realize how unhealthy this flaw was. Being overcritical caused me not to open up to others, even though I could easily eliminate the problem with my friends’ aid. It caused me to overthink: whenever I made a mistake, I spend days thinking how much easier it was if I never made it. The source of this weakness? I think the reason why I’m so overcritical is my childhood upbringing. In South Asian culture, it’s very typical of parents not to compliment their kids due to the fear it’ll inflate your ego. For instance, my parents never complimented me over my intelligence because they thought it would inflate my ego and I wouldn’t work hard. In fact, South Asian parents believe in tough love to the max and love to remind their kids of their mistakes as a way to improve them. Although my parents don’t do it anymore because they realized it bothered me, this upbringing is still ingrained in me. I was so used to hearing criticism rather than positive feedback that it caused me to adapt to this style. Thus, I focused so much on the negative rather than the positive. I think another factor is just my idealistic nature: I always see the good in the world which causes me to overlook people’s flaws. So I never believed anyone could still be a smart and good person even after making mistakes. I didn’t think mistakes were human.
So then how do we become less overcritical?
- Mitigate the mistake as much as you can: Did you accidentally hurt someone’s feelings? Apologize right away. Did you get a mark you didn’t want? Talk to your teacher as fast as you can. Easing the impact of your mistakes forces you to create peace with yourself. You lessen the severity of your mistake, maybe even solve it. So then you don’t need to stress about it.
- Analyze why you made that mistake (personality flaw, lack of experience, didn’t know):The reason why we hate ourselves for making mistakes is because we think we are the worst person in the world for making it. By analysing why we make certain mistakes, such as personality flaws, childhood upbringing, or lack of experience, it humanizes us. We realize that everyone makes mistakes and they’re not an idiot or a villain for doing so. For example, at my last job, I hated the fact I couldn’t control my students and make them take me seriously. However, I begin to wonder why I was unable to do so. I realized it was because of my childhood upbringing. As a kid, I was often taught not to challenge and always listen to others. This upbringing shaped my personality: I was a very passive person who couldn’t stand up for herself. Thus, it was so hard for me to be strict because naturally I am not an assertive person.
- Find ways not to make that mistake in the future: I could use my previous point as an example. After realizing it was so hard for me to be assertive, I asked my supervisors at work for advice. I learned to gain authority through tone and body language. Another example is that I am horrible at confronting others because I’m scared it may worsen the situation. Unfortunately, not confronting others doesn’t make the problem go away. In fact, it makes the problem grow. So, I devised a new strategy for confronting others: ask them to tell their side of the story. To lessen any conflict, you can remind them they are a good person and you just want to resolve any miscommunication. Instead of beating myself up for not being a confrontational person, I brainstormed ways to become that person.
- Remind yourself of all the good things you’ve done: I find this point is vital as it heightens your confidence. For example, when I accidentally hurt my friend’s feelings, I felt so horrible because I thought I was a bad person. However, I stopped that mindset by reminding myself that I did everything I could to resolve it (apologizing to her, preventing ways to make that mistake in the future). I also reminded myself of good traits that my other friends have said that I have, such as my kindness and strong empathy.
- Realize mistakes are okay and that they’re essential to your personal and professional growth: Sometimes mistakes are necessary because they reveal to us our blind flaws. Blind flaws are flaws that everyone around us knows we have except for us. For example, in my previous job, my supervisors pointed out I tend to ask questions that I could figure out myself. I had no idea I had this flaw until my job evaluation. Sometimes mistakes are essential to make us learn hard life lessons that we can’t obtain from positive experience. Take procrastination for instance. Would you understand the importance of time management if you never got a horrible mark from procrastinating? Suppose you had a very toxic relationship. Would you understand the importance of self-love if that never happened?
Sometimes making mistakes causes us to realize that we’re overcritical and we need to breathe.