there are days when I wish to remain in my bed until well into the afternoon staring at my ceiling, ignoring the whines of my cats and acting as if my daily obligations aren’t waiting for me just outside my bedroom door, contemplating if getting up is even worth it at this point
and I’ve listened to all the podcasts about how even a little bit of effort is better than nothing, and I’ve told myself that even if all I do is move from laying in my bed to sitting in my desk chair it still means I did something, my mind is still stuck in a constant loop that I should be doing more
the daily struggle to find motivation inside myself to get up and do things that don’t involve reading poorly written toon novels on the internet, to find whatever shelf I’ve left it to shrivel up and rot on in a dark corner of my mind, leaves me in disbelief that I ever found the time to do such a thing when I’m much busier doing absolutely nothing all day
recently I’ve been forced to face my depression in the face and remind myself that I shouldn’t let it control me in the way that it does, but then I remember that it’s a disease of my brain, the organ that controls my daily functions and motivations, and I tell myself that I shouldn’t be so quick to write off what effort I do put into my day-to-day life
but sometimes I remember my forgotten gym membership that’s just draining money from my bank account each month, or the food that’s rotting in my fridge, and I realize that this simple disease is infecting every part of my life; because it’s more complex and deadly than I gave it credit for, a shadow looming over me everywhere I go and haunting me at three in the afternoon in the middle of me trying to do my homework assignments that I’m falling behind on
and I’ll tell myself that this time it’s different, but it isn’t, and I know that I’m only delaying the inevitable – and maybe one day I will fall victim to the melancholy that threatens to consume my bones; but not today, I will not let it happen today