Honest Tea: Toxic Monogamy

Ah, monogamy. It is the way many of us carry out our relationships today. Throughout our lives, we have been taught that monogamy is the gold standard of relationships and that anything that deviates from it is wrong. Monogamy is generally seen as the ideal to which all relationships aspire to be. We have been fed images of monogamy from childhood movies, shows, and books, we see examples of monogamous relationships in tv and all around us. The idea of polygamy or open dating makes people bat their eyes and leaves them in shock when, in reality, it is one of the earliest forms of dating and relationships to date. Non-monogamous styles of dating very clearly deviate from the gold standards we have internalized, and we see their characteristics as problematic. However, the honest tea is that monogamous relationships have a massive potential of inhibiting very toxic components that can ruin relationships and friendships. From experience both first and second hand, I have observed some toxic expectations and characteristics present in monogamous relationships. Here are some of them. 

Jealousy As An Indicator of Love

Time and time again, I have heard that jealousy is normal. We get jealous and protective over the things we love and care for, right? Jealousy is seen as a right in most monogamous relationships. With this idea that jealousy is normal and proof of the love one has for us, it creates an acceptance of the toxicities of jealousy like insecurities, doubts, and other negative emotions. The problem is that accepting these notions only enables people to defend and justify their problematic behaviors and not confront the issues it may cause in the relationship. 

Your Partner Should Meet All of Your Needs

Something that I have experienced and witnessed is the idea that if you cannot meet all of your partner’s needs, your love is inadequate or not enough. Many people in monogamous relationships would describe their partner as their other half, the part that completes them. I believe that this mindset can be toxic because it creates an invisible pressure to be the ultimate satisfaction for your partner and to meet their needs in all areas of their life. Such expectations can create self-doubt and other conflicts in the relationship if these “needs” are not seen as satisfied by either party. 

Commitment Is The Same As Exclusivity 

This is, by far, one of the most common toxic characteristics I have noticed in most relationships. The idea that commitment is only possible if people are exclusive to each other is very prominent in a lot of people that engage in monogamous relationships. This concept disregards all other forms of relationships as invalid and insufficient forms of love when, in reality, multiple intimate and healthy relationships, whether friendships, familial, or professional, are crucial to overall wellbeing. This can also create further problems in a relationship when other relationships are seen as a threat to an intimate relationship. 

Now, this is not to say that monogamy alone is toxic, but there are toxic forms of monogamy and toxicities that stem from monogamy. Whether you practice monogamous or non-monogamous ways of dating, it is vital to think about your relationships and your expectations of them. A lot of our standards have been predetermined for us, and we are blind to the ways that can affect us and our relationships. Needless to say, we should always question the “dominant” ways of living (or loving) and other structures. Just because something is the “norm” doesn’t mean that it is ideal or healthy.

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