Abusers flying “out of control” is only a performance, they’re controlling themselves perfectly and doing exactly what they want to: Terrifying you into believing their actions are unpredictable, terrifying and triggered by you, and that you can’t hold them accountable because they’re sooo out of control.
Almost every abuser I’ve seen has an excuse for being “out of control,” sometimes it’s hard past, specific sensitivity, experience in the army, a brain cyst or various other diseases, but there is actually only one cause: They want to control you.
Notice how an abuser never flies off the handle when they’re trying to impress someone. Notice how they’re perfectly able of polite and even pleasant behaviour when they’re with their boss or any authority figure who could actually give them consequences for throwing a tantrum. Notice how they’re perfectly behaved with company, or with anyone who could hurt them back. They know how to behave then? No trouble controlling their temper? The only time they fly off the handle is when they’re in the privacy of their home, with vulnerable family members who can’t do anything but feel frightened, intimidated, and horrified by what is happening.
This isn’t done by accident, just think about it, you do something they don’t like, and they don’t want you to do it ever again, what do they do? Terrify you into believing this action could set out their tantrums. Will you risk it next time? Unlikely. And this is done for smaller things too, to avoid doing chores, to avoid paying attention to family members, to put all the attention to themselves, to watch your scared faces and enjoy it, to feel powerful, to have the entire family at their disposal, ready to do anything out of fear that you’re going to hurt someone, or break something, and then bear no responsibility, because their going out of control is your fault.
Don’t be fooled into thinking abusers ever lose control of themselves, everything they do is to gain more control over you, and pretending they can’t control themselves is working out just great for them. Know that every act of terrifying, tantrum-throwing, breaking things or hurting a person is done absolutely on purpose, and they don’t feel even slightly bad about it. They’re never the one who cleans the mess, they’re never the one who picks up the pieces. If they were a good person who lost control they would be out of their mind with apologies, trying to clean everything, apologizing, making amends. But abusers only act as if “they can’t help it,” expecting everything to be in perfect order next time they’re in the room, or even pretending they don’t remember who did it, pretending it was someone else. They do not regret any of it. It achieved what they wanted. Terrifying people who love them is a game of control to them. You have every right to be angry, horrified and disgusted.
Abuse of any kind is scary and there are people who can help. Though it may feel like it, you are not alone nor will you ever be. The National Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-800-799-SAFE, has someone on standby to help you out 24/7. Every day of the year, they are here for you. If you’re like me and phone calls aren’t always the best means of contact for you, text CONNECT to 741741 and you will be connected to someone who is constantly there to help.
You deserve a life of respect. You deserve a life of dignity. You deserve a life of love.