I wouldn’t necessarily say that I self identify as a femme lesbian, but I am aware that it is the way that I come across because of how I tend to self-express. When I use the term femme lesbian, it is being used in the context of what someone else may describe me as but I do not believe in the idea that there are “certain types” of lesbians. However, there are some general ideas about the kinds of people we are; they are relatable. As a lesbian that isn’t very masculine-presenting and doesn’t have “Hi, I’m gay” on my t-shirt, there are a lot of daily things that arise which pertain to my sexuality. Below are just some examples of some of the “struggles” many lesbians, and myself, deal with.
1. The phase or the bisexual assumption
People tend to assume that lesbians that are on the more feminine side are going through a phase or that they have to be bisexual. There is no way that they are completely into the same sex, there has to be some exception and desire for men. Having your sexuality invalidated, mocked, or assumed isn’t fun.
2. “But you’re so pretty.”
I don’t know how to react when I hear this one. Are all lesbians unattractive? Can’t we be both? No, this is just an insult disguised as a compliment. It has nothing to do with attractiveness. Instead, people don’t know how to accept your sexuality outside of their understanding of it.
3. You haven’t found the right man yet
This is the one that pisses me off the most. Even after stating your sexuality, people seem to bring it back to heteronormativity, and the only reason such a pretty feminine lady is interested in other women is only that she has yet to be saved my a male entity.
4. Having to come out every day
This is something that I find myself doing all the time. Most if not all people in the LGBTQ+ community that are already out, have to come out many times. There are new settings which we inhabit and people we meet that makes coming out not just a one-time thing. Another sad reality is having to come out more than once to the same person because of their refusal of acceptance.
5. Femme lesbians are passive in bed This idea stems from the sexist notion that women, in general, are submissive in bed, while men are dominant. This is false, my friends.
6. Invitations The endless invitations for a threesome. I don’t know what about being feminine and lesbian gives off the vibe that we want to sleep with you and your boyfriend, but that is not the case, though for some it might be.
There are so many things that people of the LGBTQ+ community have to deal with on a daily basis, and these are just some of the few things from your fellow “femme” lesbian.