“I’m sorry you feel that way.” “I’m sorry you’re upset.” “I’m sorry, [insert excuse here].”
We’ve all made and received bad apologies. I can’t count how many times I’ve been apologized to for the way I feel. I can’t count how many times I’ve apologized and made a shitty excuse. It’s something we’re all well acquainted with, but we shouldn’t be.
In our youth, we’re taught how to apologize for things we’re told are wrong, like breaking something or hitting someone. However, we’re not taught as we’re older how to move on from, “I’m sorry for breaking your toy,” to, “I’m sorry for the things I said or did,” in an effective, adult manner. So, here are some tips to both construct good apologies as well as recognize bad ones.
First, you have to know what you’re sorry for. If you’re just apologizing because you think you did something wrong, then there’s nothing actively being acknowledged as wrong. So, if someone is upset with you, figure out what it is you did. Sometimes, it’s this small step that makes all the difference! For instance, if someone is mad at you for something you didn’t do, you’re able to clear the air and clear your name. And if you did do something wrong, you’re able to identify what that was and why it hurt the person who is upset.
Then, you can take the next step and start to articulate an apology that acknowledges what you’ve done instead of subtly placing the blame on the other person by apologizing for their feelings. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry you’re upset that I ate your food,” you should say, “I’m sorry for eating your food.” This way, you’re recognizing that you were in the wrong rather than apologizing for resulting feelings of your wrong. The wording of your apologies makes a big difference and shows that you’re genuine in what you’re saying.
An add on to articulating your apology should also be to refrain from excuses. It may be useful to have reasoning or rationale for your actions or words, but don’t let them become an excuse to make your actions okay. “I’m sorry I said that, I didn’t know,” is fine, but don’t make your lack of knowledge excuse the thing you said. Acknowledge that what you’ve said has hurt someone, and let them know that you weren’t aware that it was wrong. Excuses often mean you’re expecting forgiveness, and the apology isn’t truly genuine.
The hardest part of an apology is recognizing that you’re not entitled to forgiveness. When apologizing, you’re telling the person you’ve wronged that you know what you did and that you’re remorseful. The person being apologized to does not have to forgive you, or even accept the apology. When you’ve hurt someone, you don’t get to dictate how they feel and how they react. You’re opening yourself to their judgement, and they get to decide whether they want to forgive you or not, not you.
Lastly, learn from your actions or words. When you apologize, it means nothing if you go back and continue to do or say the things you were sorry for. By making an effort to change your ways, you not only improve yourself and your relationships, but you prove that you really are sorry. This is the most important step. If you apologize for eating your roommates leftovers, don’t go back and do it again. Learn from your mistakes and be better.
Apologies are some of the most difficult but most important things to learn and execute. However, it makes all the difference. By making a genuine and effective apology and changing your actions, you better yourself and the people around you.
Happy apologizing, everyone.