Imposter syndrome is a bitch. Let’s start there.
Even though I know good and well that everyone on my campus-scratch that; everyone on this planet- has as much clue what they’re doing as I do, it’s something else to be in my own head and watch everyone else fake it. They’re just all such good actors, and I for a fact that I have the worst poker face on the face of the planet. Seriously, ask my professors. So, sure, we all suffer from imposter syndrome in our every day lives as we go to and from school and work and all that jazz. But it doesn’t end there.
I’ve been really struggling with a sense of falseness about my gender identity. I identify as non-binary (wow, I just actually typed that. It’s in writing now. I can’t tell you how awesome that feels). I often present in a more feminine way if I’m not on campus. I don’t hate that. But I do hate how not hating that makes me doubt my identity as a non-binary individual. Does that make sense? I hear all the time from other people that I don’t represent the non-binary community well enough because I don’t make a solid attempt every day to look more androgynous. You know what, though? That irritates me.
The term androgynous is derived from the same root as androgen. Androgens are hormones such as testosterone and androstenedione, which are typically found in higher concentrations in the bodies of those identified as males. I word it this way because I don’t really believe in the gender or sex binaries, but for the sake of the article, I’ll move along. My point is that the word androgynous is used in a way that infers that if I am not binary, I must present in a masculine manner at all times.
What?
But.
That can’t be right, can it? This kind of assumption is dangerous in that it invalidates the experiences of individuals experimenting and exploring their gender identities by forcing masculinity on them when they may not always want to present as masculine. Do I even need to begin delving into the conversation about masculinity and femininity as a socially constructed binary? Maybe for another article. Do you know what else this kind of attitude unwittingly perpetuates? It supports the concept that men and masculinity are better than women and femininity, because womanhood and femininity are synonymous with weakness and submission.
Bite. Me.
It’s so strange. I identify as non-binary because for my entire life, I’ve always identified with both and neither gender role all at once. Now, in exploring this identity of mine, I’m being told by others that I have to choose one? What kind of sense does that make?
Okay, rant over. I feel a bit better now.
I think we can all agree that college is tough and magical, full of discoveries that are life-changing in both positive and negative ways. Classes are already a lot to manage on top of a social life and a barely existent sleep schedule. It gets weird when questions of gender identity begin to make themselves known as well. I’m very fortunate to attend a school that encourages this exploration and is accommodating to my preferred name and pronouns, but not all environments are this organic. It’s important to start this conversation somehow in order to inform a society that doesn’t always believe that diversity and self-discovery are as important as they truly are.