As I reflect on my life, I have trouble thinking of a time where I wasn’t insecure about my body. When I was 12, I refused to go a day without wearing dozens of bracelets because I thought my hands and wrists were too bony. On the days I didn’t wear bracelets, I would wear long sleeves, even on the hottest of days. I remember there was a giant yearly pep rally in middle school where everyone would wear fun matching t-shirts, athletic shorts, and bandana headband, and I was the only person there wearing a black cardigan over my t-shirt with my hair in front of my face. I also once had a gap in my front teeth that I hated so intensely that I would refuse to smile, obsessively researching DIY ways to straighten out my teeth before I got braces. I’ve grown accustomed to living with inadequacy, shame, and self-hatred, but that doesn’t mean that they are good roommates.
Last Wednesday, I stumbled across something on my Pinterest feed:
I don’t know what book this is from, nor do I know anything about whatever genius that first wrote this beautiful quote, but it touched me deeply. I recounted all of the times my friends – or even girls I had never even met before – complimented me on an outfit I was nervous to wear that day. I felt so flattered because in front of me were the most beautiful girls ever! I envied their outfits and the confidence they seemed to exude, and yet they liked my outfit enough to compliment me? It felt like such an honor.
I am my own worst critic. My insecurities have isolated me my entire life, rendering me into a person who is utterly obsessed with how I’m perceived. I truly can’t have a good time if I don’t feel like I look good. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling isolated and restricted by my own insecurities, so I decided to do something crazy: I dressed out of my comfort zone for a week, and I did it only for myself. Here’s what that looked like:
BIG MOVE #1: I wore my hair in a ponytail.
You may be thinking, “okay, big deal,” but for me, it IS a big deal. I have refused to wear my hair in a ponytail unless it is absolutely necessary because of how much I hate my face shape and the thinness of my hair. Dance recitals and theatrical performances growing up were always the death of me because I couldn’t have my bangs out to hide my face. Knowing this, I put my hair in a high ponytail, dressed up to go out, and took some pictures with some friends last Thursday.
I felt surprisingly confident about my hair that night. My best friend told me she doesn’t understand why I don’t wear my hair up more, and I took a couple of pictures of myself that I really genuinely liked. I chickened out after a bit and decided to put my hair down, but then I regretted it the whole night… I kind of actually missed the ponytail after all.
BIG MOVE #2: I wore a tight shirt and tight jeans… Together.
For the longest time, I have let the “tight shirt, baggy pant” or “baggy shirt, tight pant” principle govern my style. Wearing an all-tight outfit out and about was something I would only do if I had an incredibly bulky jacket to hide myself behind. But, last weekend, I put on a purple bodysuit with a deep v-neck and a pair of mid-rise jeans with a little flare at the bottom. This was monumental, as I used to only ever wear bodysuits with the baggiest of mom jeans – god forbid anyone sees the shape of my body!
At first, it was a hard adjustment. As I hung out with my friends, I couldn’t help but obsessively look in every mirror I passed. But then I remembered that repairing self-image is a challenge. It doesn’t just mend itself magically overnight or through external validation, so I need to actually do something. Once I stopped looking in the mirror, I felt better about myself. I was able to enjoy my night without obsessing over what my body looks like.
BIG MOVE #3: I wore a body-con dress.
As someone who has struggled with body image issues since I was old enough to dress myself, the thought of wearing a body-con dress is terrifying. I usually stray away from them at all costs, no matter how beautiful the dress is, and I frankly am tired of doing so.
So, this Friday night, I said “screw it” and put on a denim body-con dress before a night out with my family. I expected myself to feel self-conscious about halfway through the night, but once I put the dress on, I felt really accomplished. I was not only proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone, but for maintaining that confidence. I consider that night a huge victory because afterwards, I hopped online and put a few more body-con dresses in my shopping carts. I proved to myself that if I did it once, I can absolutely do it again – and feel pretty!
BIG MOVE #4: Acknowledging how far I’ve come!
After reading that quote and challenging myself, I can’t help but think about all of the love, support, validation, and encouragement that I’ve gotten from all of the women in my life: random girls on the street at night drunkenly telling me how cute my top is, my friends telling me that they wished they had my hair, and some guests at work telling me I was beautiful when I truly thought I looked BUSTED. I guarantee that every single one of these women have felt the same way I do. To each other, we all are that woman across the room, and we are way more similar than we think.
If you likewise are plagued with these feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, and shame in your self perception, my biggest point of advice is to work on it day-by-day. You don’t have to throw yourself into a dress that you hate and fake confidence to tackle your self-image issues; you can start with some minor changes. Even if your big move is unnoticeable to others, it meant something to you, and that’s all that matters. We are only given one body, one soul, and one mind, and our time here on the planet is incredibly short. Us women are so unique, and yet we are all plagued by the same experiences that make us want to purge ourselves of our only bodies!
Let me be real; I did not completely rid myself of my insecurities in just a week, and I can’t say with full confidence that I am now a changed being – life unfortunately is not that simple. However, I put my hair up this week and I didn’t hate it. I even wore a tight dress and lived to tell the tale. To some, this is a nominal thing, but to the ashamed 12 year old girl who would hide behind her hair, this means everything.