My Fitness Journey

For as long as I could remember I was someone with performance anxiety– I could never and still would never consider myself particularly “good” at something. This anxiety would come up for me with small tasks like in public speaking, or would show in my extracurriculars like during a soccer game. Though conventionally this may be untrue, and I may perform tasks just fine, it’s just how I feel. So, when I made the decision in 2023 to start going to the gym seriously, I knew that it was definitely going to be a journey for me. 

I don’t actually have a legitimate reason for why I wanted to start lifting; I could lie and say that it’s because I wanted to take better care of my body or that I wanted to love myself more. I guess it’s because I would always see influencers on my FYP who were super into fitness and It seemed like working out made them feel powerful. I wanted to feel powerful. Everyone’s body is different, so I knew that I could never look like the influencer on my screen no matter how hard I tried, but by putting in the work, I could transform myself into someone unrecognizable–on the inside and out. 

I headed to the gym for the first time with one of my friends who inspired me with her own journey. She completely helped me relieve any first day jitters–we were on summer break and it was hot outside. I remember the gym being packed since school was out. This surely added some intimidation for me, I felt like I was being watched by everyone. She reminded me that everyone starts somewhere.To this day when I feel down, I remember her advice. My first lift with my friend took me out of my comfort zone– she was so much stronger than me, but that was okay. I would make sure to pay attention to the different workouts we were doing and I always made sure to ask questions.For over a year now,I do the same workout split because it still works for me and seems like muscle memory. 

In the beginning of my journey I would certainly say that I preferred going to the gym with another person, it took me a few months to really appreciate going alone. Now, all I do is go alone.I immerse myself in my own world for 90 minutes every day. Since school started this year, I map my day out so that the gym is like my own little reward, and will go before dinner. Sure, at times it gets lonely being alone but in a way I feel that doing so has helped me grow. 

As someone who grew up struggling with their self esteem I always had high doubt in myself, with anything that I did. I believe that this goes back to my performance anxiety that I mentioned earlier, which explains why I feel this way at times. To this day you could say that I still do, but it has gotten significantly better, and even my friends and family have told me they’ve noticed a difference. It’s funny, because I wouldn’t have thought that going to a public gym on a daily basis and going through a circuit of different exercises could do such a thing, but it has. Working out has pushed me both physically and mentally, if anything I’d even say more mentally. Not only have I had to coordinate how I am going to take care of my body while working out, I’ve had to also train myself to eat better, sleep better, and overall change my way of thinking. 

However I have had moments of being overwhelmed by the lifestyle I have acquired.If there would be a time when I was sick and missed a week, or I didn’t lift as heavy of a weight as I wanted to, I would instantly question why I was doing it all in the first place. My biggest critique of “gym culture” is its extreme nature of all or nothing. 

There’s this unspoken rule in the gym community that tries to convey an “all or nothing” attitude. We see influencers with physiques or personas that, in reality, probably have cost them hundreds of dollars. We see them in private gyms in LA, and in clothing sets that would probably blow an entire paycheck of mine. This image is nice to look at, but is not ideal for the average person. Accepting this truth, that in the “fitness world,” it’s not just sort of an all-or-nothing pursuit was hard for me, and still is. For anything that I did in my life, I have always thought of it as one extreme after the other, but in reality, there is so much in that in-between space that matters. I may feel great after one workout one day, and not as accomplished the next–but that doesn’t exclude the work I put in nonetheless.

No matter how much I discipline myself, genetics and environment, I still may never be as toned as the models that I see on my Instagram feed, and that’s okay. In actuality, their lifestyles could never align with mine, and they’re unideal, which has become easier to understand with time.

Overall, I am eternally grateful for the support I have gotten from my friends and family, even if it’s over something that may seem trivial. It may not even look like I put in work five out of my seven day week, but to me I know that I do. I am extremely proud of myself for dedicating my time to something that’s been so healthy yet challenging for me.; Ask me a year ago and I would have never guessed that I would have stuck with it for so long. So, I encourage whoever is reading this to try and find something that you have always wanted to do, and to see the places that it may take you.

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