Tinder is great because it means that I don’t even have to leave my house to have gross men make lewd comments about my body. Sometimes, when I match with a guy, they send me a message that makes me think, “this is why you’re single, creep!” Unfortunately, I have decorum, so instead of saying that, I usually report and block people. All of these Tinder messages are mine (I know, I’m a lucky girl!) and hopefully they will make people (guys) think a little bit when they’re on Tinder.
1. If you wouldn’t say it in person, don’t say it online!
I thought this went without saying, but online, people seem to think that everything that goes through their heads should be said and put in public.
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2. Don’t ask for my Snapchat as your first message.
You’re going to send me unsolicited DPs. I do not want DPs of any kind. Therefore, I will not be giving you my Snapchat.
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3. Your first message should not be “want to f*ck?”
No, random, Internet stranger. I do not want any part of you near any part of me. Like, at least pretend you’re interested in getting to know the people you’re sleeping with.
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4. Don’t double text if I don’t respond.
Chill out, Salty Spice.
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5. Do not compare me to an annoying TV character.
TWO PEOPLE on Tinder have said that I look like Janice from “Friends.” I look nothing like Janice from “Friends.” Is that really the right foot to start on, buddy?
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6. Don’t say anything about my boobs.
Okay, here’s a game. You’re about to message a girl on Tinder. Instead of saying “You like dogs? So do I!” or literally anything else, you’ve settled on this winning first message: “Nice rack.” She doesn’t respond, because she is a human person and not a piece of meat. You ask yourself what you did wrong. Hint: it was starting the conversation by talking about my boobs!