In the months leading up to my 19th birthday, I decided to make a list of 18 things I had learned at the age of 18. Some of the things on the list were obvious, such as “Spotify premium is worth it” or “exercise every single day, even for just 10 minutes.” However, my favourite item on this list is No. 14. It reads: “people will unapologetically hurt you, you must unapologetically say goodbye.” Now, I have to admit, 18 was not my favourite age. I had my heart broken multiple times, I was put on anti-depressants, and I overall felt unsatisfied in day-to-day life. But one of the worst things that happened to me when I was 18 was that I let someone mistreat me and didn’t speak out about it.
I know myself as a strong woman. It hasn’t always been this way; this is something I have had to repeatedly tell myself before I started believing it. Confidence and self-love have not come easy to me. Ever. Only in the last few months of juggling (and excelling at) a job, school and extracurriculars have I realized how much of a badass I am. I believe that girl power is, not only recently but historically, one of the strongest forces that can exist. Once I was at this stage, nothing could stop me. Until it did. I won’t go into detail but I was essentially tricked into believing I was part of a relationship that I wasn’t which provided pleasure on their part but consistently hurt me. This person entered my life in a very personal way and severely mistreated me to the point of making me feel like I wasn’t worthy of love at all and that only my body was of value. I felt disgustingly used.
Now, this wasn’t by any means the first person that had hurt me. Whether intentionally or accidentally, I had been hurt before. However, this one stood out. I had spent so long working on my confidence and I was feeling so good about myself that I was taken aback when I had let someone take advantage of me. I wondered how me, the strong and confident woman that I was, had so easily been tricked.
This left me feeling lost for weeks. My mental health went downhill and I felt essentially worthless. All of that work I had put into myself I now saw as useless. I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning and I had no motivation to complete school work or do necessary tasks around the house. I convinced myself that this was my fault, that I was too clingy and they just wanted space. It made me question if my personality was acceptable and if anyone would ever love me. It made me want to change who I was, my true self.
As always, I was healed with time. Once I was fully healed I was able to look back and reflect on the experience. At the time, I was incredible biased. I was attracted to this person and warning signs went completely over my head as I put my romantic feelings first. As I reflected, I could see the warning signs loud and clear and I felt shame that I had not seen them sooner. It look a long time for me to realize this was not my fault. I didn’t need to apologize for who I was. I didn’t need to change who I was in order to fit into someone else’s standards, nor did I have to change my standards to suit someone else’s demands.
I look back at this experience now and I am proud of myself for overcoming it. It was a learning experience in which I grasped the importance of communication and stability. I learned to have high standards and never settle. I learned that some people do not consider how their actions will impact others. But most importantly, I learned how to unapologetically say goodbye to that presence in my life. With that, I was able to practice the self-care that I had spent so long learning.
Being kind is one of the most important and selfless choices we can make everyday. This experience taught me to always choose kindness and to always communicate as a way of avoiding hurting others. And because I choose kindness every single day, I’ll never be like him.
Related articles:
- It Comes In Threes: Learning To Cope When You’re World Falls Apart
- What I’ve Learned About Love… Sort Of
- The Opportunity of Change
Want more HCW? Check us out on social media!