So you’ve just upgraded from regular old Netflix to the oh-so-coveted Netflix & Chill status with your special someone. Maybe you want to fawn over just how good that love-making session was or perhaps you want things to go in a different direction. How do you ask for that without blurting it out awkwardly or sounding like an ungrateful lover? Here are some tips to help you and partner keep your sex life stable, open, and healthy.
1. Be honest and direct
The whole point of having this conversation is to open up another dimension of your relationship with your partner. Be honest (but not brutally so), and get used to saying what’s on your mind. It takes practice but, ultimately, you’ll reap the rewards from it.
2. Take advantage of pillow talk
What better time is there to talk about intimate details than after the delightful deed itself? Take a moment to appreciate the positivity of the postcoital glow and then dive right into it.
3. Ask them questions to find out what they already like.
Asking them why or what they liked about something you did is always a good start. Chances are you won’t get a straight answer, especially if your partner is a dude, but sometimes, when you do get a bona fide answer, it can reveal something more about what they might like. For example, if you know that your beau is really loving dat ass and it turns them on most when they can either see or feel it, you can infer that they’ll like any new positions you try that allow them to do both.
4. Ask them what they would like to see.
Don’t be afraid to ask them how they felt about something that you did. If you want to be more direct, you can ask things like, “What would want me to do to you?” Or if you’re more comfortable, talk about some of your sexual fantasies. If there are any roleplay scenarios, any positions, any new things that you want to try in the bedroom, this is your chance to get it out into the open. When you’re doing something that you know your partner likes and gives them pleasure, not only is it incredibly satisfying, but it can also be a turn-on for you.
5. Debrief afterwards.
Tell your bae what you liked. Every single relationship in life could benefit from some constructive feedback from time to time. If you tell your partner something that they did really well, chances are they’ll do it more frequently which means that you’ll get to spend more time visiting O-Town.
6. Instead of criticizing, ask for what you didn’t get.
This one is so important. You can preserve so many feelings by rephrasing negative feedback: analyze, don’t criticize. Yes, you could say, “I hate it when you enter me at this angle.” But doesn’t “hey, next time, could try entering me like this instead? I love feeling you rub against my clit in this position” sound so much better? If it helps, try to focus on the positive effect you’re looking for rather than the person or the negative effect.
7. Be matter-of-fact
Day by day, sex-related topics are becoming less and less taboo. Being able to talk openly about sex with your partner feels so amazing because it’s just one more thing that you can share with just your partner. So talk about it openly, bring it up over your morning coffee, make it what it is: make it a matter-of-fact conversation.
8. Keep it between the two of you.
If you want to tell your bestie that you had THE best lovemaking session, do it! But make sure that you keep the intimate details about your partner on the DL. Unless your partner has expressed that they don’t mind people knowing that they like to be blindfolded while you go down on them, it’s never a bad idea to keep that between you and your boo.
Obviously, talking about this stuff doesn’t become comfortable overnight. It takes dedication and cooperation from both sides. And each relationship is different, meaning that some of these tips will work and others won’t. Just keep working at it! Who knows? Maybe you guys can be carpool buddies and get to O-Town together.