Like many women, I have been told for as long as I can remember that my sexuality has a direct correlation with my worth as a woman. I went to Catholic school, and as an impressionable 13-year-old doing my confirmation, I remember the chaplain instilling into us, both young girls and boys, that our sexual activity determines our worth.
“Imagine being with your husband or wife on your wedding night,” he told us. “Imagine having sex with them the first time, and if you are not a virgin, they’ll always be comparing themselves to anyone else you had sex with. They won’t want to be with you if you’ve already been with other people.” Even as a young adolescent I winced at this idea. Shouldn’t the person I end up with love me for who I was? And who I am inevitably includes my sexually active self.
My sexual “purity” does NOT equal my worth
My sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with how good a person I am. I’ve met some really shitty people who have “low” numbers, and some freaking amazing ones who have “high” numbers. And vice versa. Telling me that my sexual activity has anything to do with my values, morals, and overall goodness as a person is as ridiculous as telling me that how big my apartment is will affect my grades. Sound crazy? Yeah, no sh*t. They’re completely unrelated.
Everyone needs to read Jessica Valenti’s “The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women”. An excerpt from this text says it all: “The lie of virginity—the idea that such a thing even exists—is ensuring that young women’s perception of themselves is inextricable from their bodies, and that their ability to be moral actors is absolutely dependent on their sexuality. It’s time to teach our daughters that their ability to be good people depends on their being good people, not on whether or not they’re sexually active.”
That double standard, though!
Most women I talked to agreed that they almost always expect a guy to have a higher number than themselves. A lot of girls also told me that when discussing their number with a guy, they lied about their number and said it was lower than it actually was. Whereas men have lied to increase their number
WHY DO WE DO THIS?! And once again — I’ve done it myself! There’s been multiple occasions where I knocked off a few off my number to make it less than a man’s, out of fear of being called or thought slutty.
My friend Emma* told me about the time she told a lower number to a partner. “Even though I don’t personally think it’s high, there’s still that icky stigma,” she said. “I thought if I was honest, it might not bode well for my new relationship… I was terrified that it might open up the doors to too many questions, which would have been awkward since I knew his number was lower already. I’ve been in the situation where my number has been higher than my sexual partner. I think being caught in a lie, however that might happen, would be much, much worse than what they think of my number in that moment. And if someone cares that much, they don’t deserve to sex you anyways!” PREACH, sister!
Surprise! Women are sexual beings too
I know, I know, WTF right? Guess what? Both men AND women have sexual urges, and the desire to fulfill those urges. I think it’s complete bullshit to say that women shouldn’t have or don’t want to have one-night stands. As with anyone, male or female, sometimes what someone wants is to have sex, no strings attached — and there’s NOTHING wrong with that! And on the same token, it’s absolutely OK to NOT want to have one night stands either — you do you, girl.
I’m a woman, and I LOVE sex. It’s fun, it feels good. It’s safe to say it’s one of my favourite past-times…plus it’s a great way to stay in shape.
The term “kill count” needs to be eradicated
There’s so much discussion these days about someone’s number of sexual partners, more eloquently known as someone’s “kill count.” Now, I can’t say I’m innocent of never using this term. Having open discussions about my sexuality with both my friends and past partners is what led me to both viewing and talking about sexuality in a healthier manner. And this included me stopping using the term kill count to describe the number of people I have slept with.
When discussing this article with other women, I couldn’t have said it better than Hannah Lee, who agreed with me that the term “kill count” is super problematic. “For me the language of ‘kills’ communicates that our sexual value and consequently our human value is something finite. That is we are to other people is a sexual commodity that once used up is ‘killed; meaning the person and their value is dead and is therefore nothing…if we don’t change the language we don’t change the way we we think of sexuality and our relations to other people as things to be used.”
If I’m being safe, my number is not an issue
I know so many people who, when they hear that a girl’s number is “high” (or what they consider to be high), they instantly say, “she must have so many STDs”. As long as a woman is being safe, using protection, and regularly getting herself checked, there should be no concerns about her having an STI. The same goes for men — play it safe! Even if you’ve had protected sex, the best thing you can do for yourself is make sure everything is A-OK down there.
The fear of talking about past sexual partners often overshadows someone’s ability to ask about safe sex. Are you worried about contracting an STI from somebody? TALK ABOUT IT. We need more openness and honesty in our sexual relationships, especially when it comes to something as important as our health.
Your current relationship should be #1
The person you’re having sex with — whether you are in a committed relationship with them or they’re just a hookup — should above all respect you. And part of that respect includes being non-judgmental and open-minded. Livie Lin, a fellow Western student, told me, “Honestly, at the end of the day, as long as the person treats you with respect and your relationship is consensual and safe, I wouldn’t worry about the past. If you start worrying about the number and the stories behind each experience, you’ll end up going crazy. Focus on the current relationship (be it a hookup, friends with benefits, bf/gf, etc.) and make sure you’re happy with it and that you’re having sex because you want to.”
It’s my business, not yours
Plain and simple, my number is just that — MY number. It’s my choice whether or not I choose to share it with anyone.
*some names have been changed to preserve anonymity.