An aspect of my young adult life that I can confidently say that I’m proud and happy with is my relationship with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years. I had been in relationships before him, but they were much shorter, and far less happy. It’s been over these past few years that I’ve learned a few things that can actually help shape a relationship into a healthy one. If you’re wondering how to strengthen your chances with your S.O., read through these tips and hopefully they can help!
1) Learn how to fight (right)
This might sound counterintuitive, but being able to fight with your partner is an important aspect in a relationship. You shouldn’t be fighting all the time, but you should be able to argue when it’s needed, and be willing to do it in a healthy, constructive way. You should make your points and voice heard, without tearing down or insulting the other person. Fighting right means getting those underlying issues out on the table, and actually coming to a resolution afterwards. Added on to this point, is also being able to say sorry when you know that you’ve done something wrong. Taking accountability for your actions without brushing your partner’s feelings aside holds a ton of value in being emotionally compatible with another person.
2) Laugh as much as you can
As obvious as this point may seem, laughing is pretty much essential if you’re in a long-term relationship. Whether you’re laughing through an awkward situation, or a silly inside joke that you have, keeping the lols going can be what keeps your happiness high. My boyfriend and I are pretty much always laughing together at something, and I think it’s one of the main things that have kept us close for so long. So don’t always take things too seriously; sometimes laughing your way through something is the best way to do it.
3) Let the little things go and choose your battles wisely
This point is still something that I’m learning to do effectively. I can be a very nitpicky, high-maintenance kind of gal, whereas my boyfriend is a relatively calm and unfazed sorta guy. As good it as it is to have a balance between the two of us, it means that he has his own little quirks and habits that sometimes annoy the hell out of me. I’ve actively had to work on not raising issues about the things that don’t really matter, and taking those little habits that bug me with a grain of salt. It’s imperative to know when it’s really worth making a big deal out of something, and when to let the little things go. Otherwise, you might be fighting all the time, and that isn’t fun for anyone.
4) Compromise is key
Compromise is a word that we all hear and know, but we really don’t understand until we actually have to utilize it. It’s something that will come into play the longer you’re with someone, and it’s important that you understand how to go about compromising over the things you both want. Nothing will ever be completely equal all the time, and no one is always going to get their own way, so in order to keep yourselves relatively happy, compromise is essential in order to keep a balance that you’re happy with.
5) Learn how to be independent, not dependent
I’m around my boyfriend most of the day, every day. It’s taken a period of adjustment to learn what works for the two of us and what doesn’t. As much as we enjoy being around each other, we both need our own time to ourselves, doing our own things. So maintaining my independence is something that I’ve ensured I keep since we started dating. As important as it is to love the time you have with your S.O., you don’t want that enjoyment to turn into reliance. Don’t be dependent on another person for absolutely everything; learn to like being by yourself just as much, and it will make the time you spend with your partner all the more valuable.
6) Don’t let your appreciation slip as time goes by
It’s a common thing to hear when it comes to long-term relationships, that couples end up falling into a state of complacency. While I don’t think that this is an entirely bad thing, it’s still necessary to appreciate your partner and the things that they do, no matter how much time has passed in your relationship. Appreciation can be shown in hundreds of ways, and even if it’s just something small, letting the other person know that you still care about them and are thankful, can really help make you both feel loved.
7) Don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s
There’s a difference between admiring other couples and finding them cute (i.e. Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively), and negatively comparing your relationship to them. Every single couple is going to be different, no one is perfect, and everyone has their underlying flaws that you might not be able to see. Be proud of the relationship you have with your partner, and don’t put the standards of others behind your desire to be the perfect couple. Make your relationship yours; don’t push it towards a standard you’ll ultimately be unhappy with.
8) Honesty is *actually* the best policy
As corny as this one sounds, I can safely say that this is one of the most important points on the list. Being entirely honest with your partner isn’t an easy thing to do, and it’s usually something that you’ll have push yourself act on, even if it’s uncomfortable (and sometimes that discomfort can’t be avoided). I used to be the kind of person that would keep everything to myself, in fear that I would start unnecessary conflict. Honesty doesn’t equal meanness; it ensures that both of you are on the same page with how you’re feeling. Problems that you don’t voice will never get resolved if you don’t tell your S.O. what they are. As hard as it might be sometimes, talking about what’s really on your mind is always the best route to take.
9) Know what each other’s goals are and make sure the bigger ones match up
If you’re involved with someone that you plan to be with longer than a wine and dine, potentially well into the future, it’s important that the two of you make your goals known to each other. It will be of no service to you if you’re thinking the relationship will result in marriage one day, when the other has no interest in it. Marriage being a more serious example, it’s still important to establish the shorter term goals you have in mind as well. If you ever want to live together, how to handle finances, and all of the other adult stuff that goes hand in hand with moving through life alongside a partner. Make sure that what you both want matches up to a level you’re comfortable with, so you’re not blindsided by anything in the future.
10) Learn to be okay with vulnerability
One of the hardest things that I’ve learned about being in a long-term relationship is allowing myself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is different for everyone, but it’s an aspect that is bound to present itself if you plan to be with a person for any significant length of time. For me, it involved things like being able to openly cry in front of my boyfriend (I’m an emotional mess, what can I say), and allowing him to comfort me without feeling embarrassed. It was letting him see me without makeup on, when I just wake up in the morning, or when I’m sick. It was exposing the parts of myself that I didn’t want anyone else to see, because I thought they made me ugly and unlovable. In a relationship that’s built on love and trust, this is the side of you that they shouldn’t care about. They should accept it with open arms, and make you feel just as loved because of it.
11) Don’t force something that you know in your heart isn’t working out
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to make things work with someone, it still may not work out. I’ve felt it in my gut when I’ve had a sense that things weren’t going to pan out with the way I wanted them to with the guy I was seeing at the time. It’s better to end it when you know your efforts won’t change anything. Being single is always the better alternative than being with someone who doesn’t make you happy. There is a right person for you out there, but trust me when I say that no person is worth your discontent and wasted time.
At the end of the day, the most important thing in any relationship is your happiness. If you communicate, you’re on the same page, you enjoy each other’s company, and you’re both content with how things are going, then that’s what really matters.