I’ve always been skeptical of online dating, as it goes against the idealizations I have of meeting someone and falling in love with them over a period of time – a “falling-in-love” montage if you will. Maybe I’m an old soul, or I’ve read too many books, but I’ve always thought life’s most important relationships were the ones you least expected to form in the first place. At least, that’s what I imagine… dating in my early 20s has proven to be more difficult than I anticipated!
Although I can acknowledge the fact that there was just a pandemic and that I’ve also recently come to terms with my sexuality as a factor that has hindered my dating life, I can’t help but feel frustrated that I haven’t met the right person. So, I decided to enter my selfish-20s era by caving in and downloading a dating app.
Now, this was supposed to be relatively easy. It can be hard to find women who love women in public settings because you have to decipher who is queer and who isn’t, so I thought online dating would make it easier as that part is already done for me. Instead, I was awaited with constant swiping and conversations that led to nowhere, so I thought, “What could I be doing differently to make these conversations actually go somewhere?” After reevaluating how I was approaching dating apps, I concluded that if I wanted to make things happen, I needed to do this crazy thing called, “making a move,” and so I began asking people I was interested in getting to know better to meet up.
With this mindset, I felt more confident to navigate the dating world – emphasis on felt because even though I began doing what I told myself I wanted to do and meeting up with various amazing people, my next biggest challenge became, what happens beyond this?
It seems that I’ve been struggling with understanding what I want to come out of these relationships. I try to be honest and transparent by reiterating to people that I want something casual, whether that be friendship or sexual and romantic intimacy. For right now, I don’t want a long-term relationship but instead, I want to explore and have fun meeting new people! However, the notion of meeting up with someone you met online seems to place an expectation that the connection always has to eventually become something more. Because something “more” can mean different things to people, I find that I’ve been having a hard time setting boundaries in sticking with what I’m looking for. I don’t want to hurt the other person if they’re looking for something more than what I am willing to give (so much for my selfish-20s era).
It’s definitely harder than it looks, and I keep going back and forth with myself. Should I delete the app and try meeting people in person or keep the app and continue putting myself out there?
Worst-case scenario, I’ll pull the “I’m focusing on myself” card again during this upcoming “cuffing” season, and save the woes of online dating for another day – It sounds like it could be a future-me problem.