Note: If it’s possible, try your best to communicate in a healthy manner before resorting to more serious actions like cutting someone off. It might not be possible, but if it is, a little bit of communication can fix a lot of misunderstandings and prevent unnecessary fallout!
Whether you realize it or not, friendships are a type of relationship as well. They take effort to maintain and there will be people that you just don’t click with. This might be due to a personality and chemistry clash or something fundamentally more toxic. And just as it is in relationships, sometimes people wear rose-tinted goggles and cannot see the red flags right in front of them. As a friend, you might even be unintentionally exhibiting some of these traits without realizing it. Nevertheless, there are some major warning signs in a “friend” you want to be aware of.
1. When they bring you down with them
This was one of the hardest ones to try to explain. Everyone has negative days or experiences that leave them feeling pessimistic and grey, which is completely normal and understandable. Maybe your friend has gone through a lot or had a bad relationship. They’re allowed to complain a little, and you would be surprised if they didn’t.
But that negativity becomes an issue when it starts directly impacting you and the choices you make. So, if your friend continuously discourages you from relationships in general and tells you how she thinks you’re making a stupid decision, that is a red flag. It’s important that friends are open and honest with each other because these different perspectives help people learn a little bit more about the world. But on the flip side, it’s important that friends don’t intentionally project their own biases onto their friends to get them to change their decisions. No one should be talking somebody else down and belittling their choices just because it’s not something they agree with. At the end of the day, you won’t always agree with the choices that friends make, but you should still be there to support them.
2. When they make everything about themselves
You know you have something special with your friends when you guys hit that milestone where you feel comfortable enough to open up to each other. Being vulnerable and showing the deepest parts about yourself to someone else is nerve-wracking and quite frankly can trigger a fight or flight reaction. It’s a really healthy sign when both people are ready to be open and support one another through thick and thin.
But if this reaches a point where one person abuses that, then you have a big problem. While you obviously shouldn’t be keeping a tally chart, if one person goes on about themselves and stops asking about the other person’s life and how they’re doing, then there is an issue. A friendship is a two-way relationship where both people support each other, not where one person becomes the other person’s personal assistant and support dog. If someone wants to talk about themselves forever, they should go find a mirror instead.
3. When they don’t hear you out
People are like snowflakes; no two personalities are identical. This means that an authentic friendship will naturally lead to some disagreements. That is completely normal and healthy, and honestly, it’d be way more concerning if there was never a single difference in opinion. What sets apart a healthy friendship from an unhealthy one depends on how that disagreement is handled. It’s natural to get a bit defensive or feel unsettled by confrontation, those are normal human reactions. It can take time to get there, but a healthy friendship is one where people can properly communicate transparently and respectfully, listen to each other and compromise on a solution.
While this depends on context, usually if one friend starts resorting to tactics such as threatening to cut off your friendship without even trying to listen to your side of the story, this is a red flag. If someone is willing to make you feel like absolute trash at your lowest point without even trying to communicate with you, then let them go. They’re not worth it, and you can find someone who actually values your point of view.
4. When they have an ulterior motive
You might know this as the friend who only comes to you when they need something from you or wants you to help them with a favour. They might sprinkle in some small talk, but the essence of the conversation is always for their own benefit. The sad truth is that it’s not uncommon for people to befriend others in order to get something out of that friendship. Whether this has to do with status, academic resources or something else entirely, it can feel disheartening to know that you’re being used under a false pretense of a friendship. Don’t jump to conclusions without evidence, but if you find yourself in this position for sure, you’re probably better off without them.
5. When you don’t feel comfortable communicating with them
Take this with a grain of salt. In order to avoid mixing this up with your own fears of confrontation unrelated to the friendship, ask yourself why you don’t feel comfortable communicating with them. If you would feel uncomfortable opening up about how you feel to anyone in general, it might be your own unrelated fears speaking. But if it’s because you don’t want to bother them because you know they wouldn’t listen to your point of view, then consider listening to that gut instinct. If someone is too defensive to even listen to any other point of view, then no amount of healthy communication on your end can fix that.
This list is not comprehensive and is not meant to intentionally trash anyone who has these tendencies. But I hope that whether or not these are things you are exhibiting or notice in an unhealthy friendship of yours, you are aware of them and the toxic implications behind them. It’s never easy to suffer through a toxic friendship, and they can even leave deeper scars than romantic relationships. You will all find your ride-or-die’s in the form of a best friend(s), and that these toxic friendships push you one step closer to finding a worthy friend.