One of the many issues with the original Disney princess movies we grew up with is that no matter what the plot was, there was always that sunset scene at the end of the movie. You know the one I’m talking about: the prince and princess get through whatever conflict separates them, they get married after approximately two weeks of knowing each other and finally ride off into the incredibly over-exaggerated sunset to live happily ever after.
Now contrary to what you may think, I don’t hate Disney princess movies. I mean, after all, I was named after one. What I hate is the underlying message it sent us little girls who were exposed to the pre-‘independent woman’ phase that Disney is currently in. The original Disney princess movies taught us that a) insecurities and issues are a pre-relationship problem and b) a ring fixes everything.
This article isn’t meant to bash Disney princess movies, but it’s meant to uncover and talk about what happens after our own sunset scenes. To all my girlies in a relationship, let’s be honest for a minute, your issues and doubts probably didn’t go away and maybe resurfaced after the initial end of your honeymoon phase. As the majority of us know, disagreements are meant to arise. That’s natural when in a partnership with two different individuals. That’s not what I’m talking about now; I’m talking about the internal insecurities or doubts that you hoped would go away when your relationship became ‘official.’ Maybe throughout the course of your relationship you’ve had new insecurities or doubts arise, and with each new fear they feel harder to face. Like something must be wrong, your relationship must be bad or going downhill. Almost as if as each month or year goes by, your problems or doubts should just disappear.
Well, I’m no relationship expert (my boyfriend and friends can testify to that), but I’m learning what it means to be a long-term partner. With that, I’m learning that the reality of being a long-term partner is a lot different from the standards and clichés I held myself to in past settings. One of the biggest things I’m learning is that a new introduction of fears and doubts can actually sometimes be a good thing.
Relationships, especially in your 20s, are hard to navigate. I’ve written enough articles about that already and preach it to pretty much anyone who’ll listen. You aren’t just learning about your partner or how to be a partner; you’re still learning about yourself. Both of you are in a constant phase of growth, development and change. With each year or phase in your relationship, chances are you’re also entering a new phase of life for yourself independent of your significant other. In my opinion, doubts can be a healthy expression of growth. It makes sense that as you and your partner change and grow independently, your insecurities with each other would shift as well. Something that may not have stood out a year ago maybe more relevant with where you’re at in your journey now. A change of fears doesn’t necessarily testify a negative relationship or an expiration date, but can symbolize growth independently and a chance to reconnect with your partner.
Please understand though- when I say doubts can be healthy, I don’t mean that creating an issue out of every intrusive thought or insecurity is a good thing and should be expressed. Furthermore, I’m not saying that any gut feelings about a negative attribute or red flag concerning your partner should be diminished down to a doubt. What I’m saying is that when new doubts arise, they aren’t the ‘sign’ that your relationship is doomed or has changed in a negative way. They call for a minute of self-reflection and an honest assessment. If these doubts are simply the product of an independent insecurity, they should be worked on internally. However, if a few weeks or months go by and the actions your partner takes or thoughts you’re having aren’t simply an issue you feel you can solve with a conversation, don’t shy away from having that conversation out of fear. That’s what I’m choosing to call a healthy doubt or a moment of growth and chance for reconnection.
That’s the other thing about these new doubts; if you can get past the fear of ‘what it means’ for your relationship, you may find you’ve been presented a really good opportunity to reconnect with your partner on a deeper level. It gives you both an opportunity to explore these new versions of yourself you both are becoming. A lot of people stop asking questions after the honeymoon phase. They develop a routine and become stuck in a comfort zone of ‘good enough’ with one another. They stop having conversations that allow them to really know their partner or even feel that emotional support and comfort within their partner as they both continue to grow as individuals. Being able to address these fears allows a healthy flow of communication and connection. Not to mention, it’s an opportunity for you and your partner to experience the truth that insecurities don’t dictate the expiration of your relationship.
Being open and accepting fears and doubts is something that my partner and I have been working on, especially me. Not only has this allowed me to continue to get to know my partner and constantly revamp that honeymoon phase- it’s also allowed me to reconnect with him and have our emotional connection expand and deepen. I’ve also learned a lot about myself throughout this process; not being afraid to speak my emotions and fears avoids a lot of internal overthinking. Maybe not 100% of the time, but a lot of the time I’m less afraid of my thoughts; I’m more open to discovering them and understanding the difference between an internal insecurity that I need to work on and what’s worth bringing forth to my partner to address together.
Relationships in your 20s are a lot about growth, independently and collectively. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and so has my partner. Being able to have the underlying understanding that neither of you are perfect or going to get it right 100% of the time has allowed us both to carry more room for growth and connection where we may not have thought we needed it. This isn’t an easy lesson to learn, and I know I let my own doubts take over my headspace more than I should at times. No matter how you go through your relationship, just keep an open mind and remember to be kind and patient with your partner, the way you hope they are back to you.