The following article contains insults and coarse language. Reader discretion is advised.
I’ve done it. I’ve created porn for nerds.
I’ve sorted some of the top universities in Ontario into Harry Potter houses based on their reputation.
Let’s be real, the Sorting Hat was a judgemental lil’ bitch. And honestly, same. So, which house does each university fall into? Let’s find out.
University of Waterloo
House: Ravenclaw
Everyone’s nice enough until you ask for class notes. These overachieving nerds land all the big jobs. They will most definitely step on you for a coveted co-op position but they’ll do it tactfully. Waterloo is respected for the sheer amount of workaholics who get in every year, as well as the university’s creative edge that most Ravenclaws possess.
Most likely to: cry because they got a 9/10 on an assignment.
University of Toronto
House: Gryffindor
Did y’all know that U of T is the number one ranked school in Canada? Did you miss it the first 1000 times they said it? A classic Gryffindor, making everything revolve around them. But just like a Gryffindor, they’re brave enough to tackle one of the most notoriously difficult grading systems and come out on top.
Most likely to: give a speech about themselves at their best friend’s wedding.
Ryerson University
House: Slytherin
Ryerson is like a big floating question mark, they’re underappreciated and feel like they have something to prove. Catch them online talking smack about U of T, their one-sided rival. If that ain’t big Slytherin energy then I don’t know what is. In Slytherin fashion, they’re resourceful enough to make the most out of their degrees and snake the competition.
Most likely to: be caught having fake social media accounts to like their own posts.
York University
House: Hufflepuff
There’s a savage saying: “If you can hold a fork, you can go to York.” These guys are always the butt of the joke and yet they don’t bother themselves with being petty or egotistical (except for Schulich students). True to their Hufflepuff roots, they shrug off any negative moniker, are kind in the face of adversity and emerge as one of the most inclusive schools in Canada.
Most likely to: run into their “friends” hanging out without them on a Friday night.
Western University
House: Slytherin
Known for being a party school and kind of rebellious, Western likes to live on the wild side. But don’t let their charm fool you, Western is uber-competitive. Unlike Waterloo, they will messily cut a bitch to end up on top. Undoubtedly the snakiest of Slytherins, they are ambitious, bold and thrive on loud chaotic energy.
Most likely to: start an argument with someone because they’re bored.
McMaster University
House: Ravenclaw
McMaster is the epitome of a humblebrag. They’re consistently known as one of the smartest universities with the most creative minds but they’re one of the few that are not resented for it. From their sharp intellect to their eagerness to learn, they exude Ravenclaw energy. Let’s not get it twisted though – their egos are the size of Hogwarts.
Most likely to: spend Friday nights studying for the fun of it.
Queens University
House: Slytherin
Draco Malfoy would go here. Everyone who doesn’t attend Queens thinks it’s for snobby rich white kids. But much like the Slytherin house itself, people often overlook its better attributes. Queens rivals U of T academically and the people who go there have a good mix of book smarts and cunning. They’re the kind of Slytherin that could outsmart a Ravenclaw on ambition alone.
Most likely to: take a sick day because they got a paper cut.
Wilfrid Laurier University
House: Gryffindor
Everyone who goes to Laurier thinks it’s the best school on the planet. Everyone else just kind of overlooks it. It’s the definition of “small but mighty,” which gives it a true Gryffindor vibe. The people at this school definitely come off as braggadocious, as most Gryffindor’s do, with endless platitudes about how “great” the community is. But the university has impeccable sportsmanship and students are able to accomplish great things while still getting the full social experience. Harry Potter would approve.
Most likely to: make Kraft Dinner and call it a gourmet meal.
If anyone disagrees with this list, they can reach me at IAmNeverWrong@gmail.com.