I’m sitting in my room of two years, on the bed my family struggled to move in from home. My first-year roommate-turned-best friend is in her room across the hall and to my great surprise, I’m not excited to graduate anymore.
I’m not sure when the phrase “I’m in fourth year!” turned into “Oh, no. I’m in fourth year,” but I imagine it was sometime between the end of August and the first day of September. Since I can remember, I’ve been so excited to finish school and say “I have a degree!” It’s always been a positive milestone, which is why it’s strange I’m feeling so melancholy.
The fear of what comes next doesn’t help my feelings about graduation. It’s hard when the people around you know what they want to do, and you have no idea. I haven’t decided what to do after school and I’m not sure where my life will take me. The issue is that I have this overwhelming need to be in control — and not being in control of what happens after school is scary.
I think I’m also sad to leave behind a routine, a way of life I’ve become accustomed to for the last four years. There’s a certain freedom that comes from living on your own, and while I’ve missed being home and seeing my parents every day, that freedom is something that’ll be hard to give up. I think, however, my feelings about leaving come from someplace deeper.
My mind brings me to the girl across the hall. I never imagined I could be as close to someone as I am to my best friend. I’ve had the privilege of living with her for the last two years and couldn’t even begin to imagine what it’s going to be like to live apart from her. Of course, the end of school could never mean the end of our friendship, it’ll just be incredibly different.
Change can be scary, especially when you don’t really have a way to know what that change might look like. After some reflection, I guess it isn’t that surprising at all that my feelings about graduating have changed from pure excitement to sadness. Sure, the work part of school has never been fun, but I’ve made memories and friendships that will forever be ingrained in my soul. Graduating is a new chapter, and I know I’ll start to feel excited soon. However, the sad thing about chapters is that one must end for another to begin — and I don’t know if I’m ready for this chapter to end.