Having social anxiety is like diving face-first into an ocean of sharks and getting eaten alive. And then doing it again the next day.
In my early adolescence, I was told “you’ll grow out of it.” Almost as if we were talking about a training bra.
Middle school and high school force you to do inordinate amounts of group work with the same 20 people in each of your classes, only 10 percent of them being tolerable. Shudders. It’s kind of cliquey, but you get to know people. Then university comes along and it’s just 100 people clicking and clacking away on their laptops and getting lost in a sea of faces.
My initial reaction to university was “so what now?” How does someone who hates social gatherings and has a crippling fear of judgement make friends in this environment?
The answer is: ignore the answers.
Most of them are tailored towards people who don’t hide in a bathroom stall to avoid running into someone they know.
“You could always join a club-”
Walking into a room of people I do not know and feeling everybody scrutinize me as we play some humdrum icebreaker that forces me to talk is quite literally my worst nightmare.
“What about going to parties?”
A party of one sounds quite nice, thanks for the suggestion.
“Uh… friends of friends?”
Bold of you to assume I have friends.
The tried and true methods of making friends don’t work for us. So, what does? Using our powers of observation. You see, we’re so anxious about how other people view us that we spend more time observing the world than we do engaging with it. That makes us great listeners.
So if you’re socially anxious and looking for friends, here is my method for being social in the most antisocial way possible:
1. Pick electives that interest you
I’m still waiting for them to make a “Watching Netflix” course.
2. Arrive to class 5-7 minutes early and find someone sitting alone
It’s quiet, one-on-one and low stakes. It doesn’t get much better than that.
3. Talk to said person
Use what you have in common (like the school or class) as a springboard for conversations.
4. Repeat this for a few weeks
If they’re interested in being your friend, they’ll sit in the same place hoping to run into you again. It’s an easy way to gauge interest.
5. Get their number
Do this in your own time, once you can have casual and natural conversations.
6. Become their study buddy
Combine the two horrific tasks of studying for midterms and socializing into one.
7. Ask them to get food with you after studying
Eating is a task born out of necessity that is inherently social. It’s perfect for turning a casual friend into a close one.
8. Ask them to hang out
Voila, you have yourself a friend! I accept diamonds as a thank you gift.
Pro tip: if you’re not ready to be the one to start the conversation, sit by the same person for a few classes in a row and chances are they’ll talk to you.
Making friends is hard. Making friends when you’re afraid that everyone hates you is infinitely harder, but you’re not alone. All across campus, people like us are searching for a human connection and are afraid to speak up. You just gotta know where to look.