Ever since I can remember, I’ve been a people pleaser. I’d go out of my way to please everyone even if it meant making my own life more difficult or unsatisfying. Recently, I’ve come to the realization that this has actually affected my life more dramatically than previously thought. The people I surrounded myself with got used to walking all over me, I was spending far too much time doing things I didn’t truly enjoy and I had no clue how to speak up when I didn’t like something. This is when I knew things had to change. Here are the steps to follow in order to stop your people-pleasing ways this year.
Self-Awareness
The first step to stop being a people pleaser is to actually acknowledge that you’re a people pleaser. In order to do this, recognize your daily behaviour and see when you’re doing something to please others over what you actually want to be doing. Sometimes, you do things for your friends or significant other simply because you like to do things for others. That’s completely fine, but this shouldn’t be something that reduces your own happiness. If you’re constantly doing things, accepting things or seeking approval from those around you, recognize the problem.
Set Boundaries
This is an extremely hard step if you’re used to allowing others to make decisions for you. Learning to say no to things you don’t actually want to do is a hard but crucial step in order to stop being a people pleaser. If you truly feel like not doing something, but your friend or someone insists and pressures you into doing it, they’re not your true friend. Real friends allow you to set your boundaries and when you choose to do something or not to do something because it isn’t what you see as something that will benefit you or bring you joy, they let you do that. Prioritize yourself, and if in the process you lose some people who are so used to walking all over you, you’re better off without them.
Identify your Values
What really brings you happiness? What do you value in life? People pleasers often adapt to those around them and don’t honestly know what makes them truly happy. This is time for exploration. It’ll allow you to make your own decisions, if things that occur in your life reflect your personal values. For example, if you’ve been pressured into drinking and going out every weekend because that’s what your friends do but you truly feel like that isn’t a part of your values, then stop. If you say no to things that don’t align with your values and goals, you’ll get much further in what you want to accomplish.
Build Self-Confidence
Once you know what you value, the confidence to say yes or no to things that align with these values can be intimidating. If you’re feeling anxious about expressing your opinions, it’s okay and normal. Building self-confidence is a journey, and practicing positive self-talk alongside sticking to your boundaries so others know you’re confident enough to work toward your goals and values will happen. In order to build this confidence, step outside your comfort zone and do things your people-pleasing self may have avoided in order to please others. For example, if those around you told you that learning to play piano is stupid and a waste of time, but you truly want to do it, go for it. If you live your life for others, then you have no life of your own.
Surround Yourself with True Friends
Identifying people who won’t walk all over you, think you’re there to please them and put you down when you don’t is extremely important. If you recognize in your journey to become less of a people pleaser that those around you are continuously bashing you and expecting you to do things for them, first set your boundaries and allow yourself to do your own thing. If this continues, maybe it’s time to find people with genuine connections who actually want you to be your own person and succeed. True friends will value you for who you are, not only what you do for them. Distance yourself from toxic relationships, no matter how difficult at first. Fostering supportive and healthy relationships is key to stopping people-pleasing habits.
Allowing yourself to live your own life with your goals and values is something extremely important in having a healthy, happy life. Although difficult to begin, stopping the people-pleasing habits and allowing yourself to become your own person and focusing on your own happiness will benefit you largely in the future. Let’s make this year the year to make your own sunshine, focus on your goals and values and become your best and most authentic self.