There are so many scenarios where I thought I needed to do anything and everything to make others happy, even at times when it was at the cost of my well-being. I can vividly remember thinking to myself “As long as they’re okay and happy, I’m happy.” I used to have this obsession with making those around me proud. It almost gave me a sense of control when I knew I was acting and doing things exactly how someone thought I should be. Those who have come to know me now, post-obsessive people pleaser era, probably think there’s no way this girl actually cared what people thought of her or doubted who she was. Growing into who I am now, I feel like I’ve adopted the simplest happy medium for how to show an “I don’t care” attitude to the point where people’s hurtful actions don’t affect me, but not too much to the point where I lose the sparkle for my values and the things that I care about most.
I’m sure the “therapist” friends can all understand the feeling of absorbing your friend’s problems and biggest concerns while leaving little room to understand your own. Stepping down from my position as that type of friend, I’ve obtained a different kind of relationship with my friends. “A different relationship” meaning that the ones who used me for free therapy and a punching bag to unleash their unsettled emotions made an exit or became less prominent in the new life I was creating, and those with whom I had a mutual connection of emotional maturity stayed. I think what often gets confused when people think of a “good friend” is the belief that a good friend is supposed to lie to protect your feelings and drop everything they’ve built for themselves to protect you. That lifestyle, after many years of trial and error and plenty of mental breakdowns, I’ve come to learn is just not in the cards for me. Now, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to make a formal letter of recognition for basically quitting the job that I had since I was a little girl, but the “I can fix them” mindset that I once adored about myself is just nowhere to be found anymore. Good riddance.
All of that being said, while the friend type I am now describing sounds harsh and a bit overwhelming, I like to think that I’ve still managed to maintain a large majority of those who met me at my “drop everything” phase who remain close to me until now. I do still think that it’s essential to be wholeheartedly willing to listen to your friends when they need you most or even when they’re looking to unload at times. Instead of allowing others’ negativity to take over your life, I found that there’s power in making yourself less available to this emotional damage and putting priority on setting and maintaining boundaries.
Still, all while learning to put me first and be what some would say “selfishly me and honest,” I’ve never lost sight of my morals and values of how I treat people and how I expect to be treated. There’s nothing I value more than being appreciated and respected. While navigating the ups and downs of friendships with “users,” I wish I had understood more quickly that any relationship, in general, is supposed to be mutually beneficial. Both parties should feel empowered to talk and listen and you definitely shouldn’t be the only one constantly ruining your sleep schedule for those who wouldn’t do the same for you. The best and arguably most comical part of choosing yourself that I’ve experienced is the chatter you hear about people saying “you’ve changed” or perhaps some saying you think you’re “all that.” And yes! That’s exactly what I think. I also think that if people internally had the “all that” persona, then the “therapist friend” would no longer have a detrimental role in relationships. Insecurity is the leading cause of messy friendships filled with drama and, as we all know, no one has fun in that environment. Be confident and stand your ground with how you deserve to be treated, but don’t forget to stay true to how you treat those around you. There’s a difference between thinking you’re better than others and knowing you’re equal while constantly trying to improve.
You’re the most important person in your life; no one is worth bruising your dreams over. Just because people don’t understand your appreciation and care for yourself, doesn’t mean you should have to change! It’s all about the approach. Going around with your nose in the sky, pretending like your life has no imperfections while lacking the basic empathic skills to allow you to have friends isn’t the exact way that I imagine my “all that” persona that others may perceive from an outside perspective. Rather, I’ve found pride in pushing myself to do things that may be unpopular to others, leaving them wondering why I’ve “disappeared.” I’ve just been finding joy in being alone and having that one-on-one time with myself.
Those who’ve come to know me best and how I approach friendships see that I’m there for you when you need me. Whether it’s heartbreak or just a classic lousy day, I’ve evolved into the type of friend who’s a shoulder to cry on, but not to the point where I allow myself to drown in your tears. Babysitting your friends is out! Be honest when you or your friends make mistakes. Don’t let them go to that guy’s house ‘for the plot’ at three in the morning and remember that those who choose to appreciate your firm boundaries will embrace your journey of evolution alongside you.
Peace & Love,
Gracee