After experiencing my first two years at university, I really thought this feeling of excitement and eagerness to start every day would slowly die down, and it hasn’t. Going into my first year, I knew your uni days were seen as ‘the best years of your life’, but I never thought that I would actually feel that way after being here for such a short amount of time. It seems crazy how fast everything has gone by, and now it’s all over… well, for me, at least. Ever since I accepted my program into Laurier, I fawned over the thought of one day moving to Europe and living the travel blogger/ lawyer lifestyle that I had always dreamed of. While knowing that moving away helps me pursue my dreams, I would be lying if I said I didn’t have hesitations and moments of doubt in myself and my decisions at times. Using the word ‘hesitant’, ironically hesitantly, I think people who aren’t used to pushing themselves out of their comfort zone and push boundaries are somewhat afraid of that word or perhaps are afraid of not being fully sure and ready to go through with something. For me, ever since I was a kid, I’ve found comfort in constantly being busy and looking for change anywhere I could find it, just to keep life… interesting. I was the kid who would ask to go chop my hair the day before picture day just because I didn’t want my picture to look the same as the year prior. Looking back, I wish I would’ve held back on my 6th grade bob cut that I was overly persistent about, but now I look at that horrifying bob as an analogy that shows a lot of symbolism to who I am today and where I’m taking the next few chapters of my life. I fear my life looking the same as the year prior. Not because I’m ungrateful for the life I live and the experiences I’ve made, but because, yes, things can easily stay the same and you can saturate yourself in your comfortable life for as long as you can… but just because you can does it mean you should?
Although I say I fien for the feeling of being constantly evolutionary, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have a breakdown every time I have thought of leaving behind all I’ve ever known, especially after creating what I have here at Laurier. It all started in Clara Conrad Hall (remember that first article I wrote about the roommate?… set the scene there). Nervously walking up and down the halls trying to find someone who represented my friends back home, I sat myself down in the lounge at our first floor meeting next to a girl who I viewed shallowly as pretty and ‘normal’ and thought to myself, yep, we’re going to be best friends. After trickling behind her all the way to our first football game, I asked her to join me in line. The rest was history. From that first day until today, we’ve done things inseparably and guided each other through some of our best and most cherished memories and some of the most heartbreaking and questionable ones. I never thought that I’d have my sister away from home as I’d always wanted, but once she told me where she was from (and then explained to me where that was), I knew us small-town girls had to stick together.
Looking at the friends we’ve created together brings me so much gratitude. I never would’ve imagined having the big group of friends I have now after only two years of trading fake IDs, digging through each other’s ‘party top drawers,’ and soccer field tanning sessions. I really couldn’t be more lucky. While thinking of leaving my friends, it brings me peace, knowing they’ll be more than okay without me. While knowing that they have more years ahead of them to spend together, I feel like it would be selfish of me to project my sadness, although I already have intense FOMO about leaving some of the best people I’ve ever met, left to make new memories without me. But instead of feeling and exuding my sadness, I am choosing to project excitement for new beginnings and hopefulness. Hopefulness that is pushing me to move forward and have the opportunity to share all of my new adventures with them while also still being excited to hear about their successes and wins; that will just have to do via Facetime now:’)
Saying I’m not afraid of growing up would be a lie. And saying that I’m fully ready to 100% jump in to starting fresh and experience life in a new light wouldn’t be truthful either. But I don’t think anyone is fully 100% ready to do anything; some days, it takes me 30 minutes just to figure out what I want for breakfast. I’d honestly be sad if I were 100% ready to leave something I spent two years building up. In the eyes of an optimist, behind every hesitation is love for something being left behind. My hesitations lead me to reminisce and be thankful for what I once had while also pushing me to grow and take the next steps, even if that means starting completely fresh. However, there’s a part of me that wishes everything could just stay the same. We could go through our days and text each other about tea from the night before, planning our ‘pre’ that starts a little too early and lasts for a little too long, and then spend our Thursdays and (at times, Tuesdays), rotting the night away at Pub. But things can’t always stay the same. I’m allowing myself to wholeheartedly believe that it’s healthy to move on and grow up, and who knows, maybe we’ll all surprise ourselves, and the point in life where we thought “it couldn’t get any better than this” just got a little bit better once we’ve moved on and let go.
This is me loving something and so many people so much that I know it’s time to start over. Moving forward into new adventures, I’m taking everything I’ve learned at Laurier into my next chapter. Learning my newfound passion for writing, learning the importance of girlhood and learning that if everyone knows his name he’s probably NOT your soulmate. I’m taking these next steps in life, not to forget, but to broaden my horizons of what I think I can do and use what I’ve learned to become better. As cliche as it is, life’s all about trial and error, making friends and messing up. But to me, most importantly, doing things just to do them because, at some point in life, you are going to look back and wish you had just taken the risk. And hey, who knows, maybe those girls you were nervous to talk to at first from Conrad Hall will still be around to meet for your annual wine Wednesday someday, just hopefully somewhere a little nicer than D-Base:’)
Signing off with peace & love,
Gracee