There I was, November 5th, sitting on the floor with a cake that read “Happy 19th Birthday” written on top placed in front of me on the coffee table. I reached into a bag to pull out a plush toy. I then pulled out a pink lipstick from another bag. One after another, I pulled out all the gifts given to me. Once everything was placed on the coffee table, there was a silent pause……before everybody started laughing. Every single present on the table was pink and was branded with My Melody. Nobody planned it, I didn’t say anything beforehand, but everything on the table was coordinated as if I had a written list of what to bring to my Birthday party. It was at that moment that I felt the happiest in a long time. Not because it was my birthday, not because of the materialism of the gifts I received but because of what the presents represented about the people that surrounded me during this special day.
Growing up, I had to move many times. I’ve moved school districts and cities, I’ve and even immigrated to a whole new country. Moving constantly meant moving to new schools and meeting new people. Every time I began making a few close friends, I’d be whisked away to a new environment filled with new faces and I’d have to start all over again. The constant failure to create friendships made me desperate and I began changing my behaviour to get closer to people faster.
I’d hide my true interests and research about the pop culture that my “friends” were interested in. I’d become quieter and never speak up about my opinion (even when I really wanted to). I’d continuously try to help my “friends” whenever they needed me, just to prove myself “worthy” of their friendship. I felt that I was acting every time I hung out with them and was hyper-aware of every action I made.
In the end, those friendships were never real because once I hit rock bottom and showed my true feelings, all of them went quiet. Nobody reached out to me and some completely cut me off. I was lonely again, even when I tried my hardest to fit in.
It wasn’t until university that I decided to fully embrace myself and go back to just being me. Even if I couldn’t make friends, I’d rather feel lonely than act around people who weren’t my friends anyway. Surprisingly, that’s how I met my group of friends who sat around me during my 19th birthday.
By being myself and being proud of the things I liked, I got connected to people who actually had the same interests as me and were willing to get to know the real me. They never put me down and they made me proud of the insecurities I once had. As I sat in between them, surrounded by my pink My Melody presents, I was reminded of how I always tried to hide my obsession with pink and wore neutral colours instead. I’d wear simple backpacks to school, only wearing my My Melody backpack when I knew I wouldn’t bump into my friends.
Each present told me that it is okay to like what I like and that my friends were willing to celebrate and encourage my interests, rather than making me hide it. It showed me that I didn’t need to be embarrassed about any of my interests and that I was being accepted without needing to act. I felt truly happy and lucky to have finally found my people, and I was going to cherish them forever with everything that I have.