I’m not entirely sure why turning 20 this year sounds so scary to me. Maybe it’s because I can no longer say that I’m a teenage girl, maybe it’s because I know this next decade of my life is going to include a lot of struggles and triumphs or maybe it’s just caused by the unknown. Nevertheless, I’m scared to turn 20. Who knows where I’ll end up by the time I’m 25? By then, I’ll be out of school and hopefully working a job I like. This is a scary feeling as someone who doesn’t have a direct, lined-up plan for themselves after university. I’m majoring in communications because it’s a broad major that can lead me down different paths — which is good for keeping my options open, but also scary since there’s no path set up for me. I’m sure many other arts majors feel this way, as there’s not always a designated job associated with our major. This adds to my stress of growing up because despite feeling accomplished for every semester of university I finish, I also realize that I’m getting closer to the age where things become more difficult and real.
I worry that I haven’t yet learned enough about myself to live alone. I worry that I haven’t found my purpose yet or know what my strengths are. I know I’m still young and that technically, this birthday isn’t going to drastically change my life. However, my stress is more so about the fact that I’m growing up, and like many others, I’m scared. I continue to remind myself that I’ve faced scary situations before, but I still did it, in spite of my fear. Growing up is hard. With age comes more responsibility and change, and that’s scary. Part of the scariness is not knowing how it will all work out, or where you’ll end up, while the other part is feeling like you’re falling behind on your journey. It is easy to feel alone, but I always remind myself that both are completely normal feelings
I’ve always liked to think that I’m a pretty independent person, but having people guide you through these things is always helpful. It’s not always available though — I don’t have a big sister to look up to, I am the big sister. I am the oldest child, grandchild and niece, therefore I’m the first in my family to experience these things. That can put a lot of pressure on someone. I try to set a good example with my school work, my job and my personal life so that my brother and cousins have someone to look up to, but I don’t feel like I’m doing everything right. I mean, does anyone? Who’s to say how your 20s are supposed to pan out? I want this pressure and build-up that I’ve given myself to be gone so that I can focus on my future at a pace that doesn’t scare me.
Growing up is scary. I will probably be emotional this year for reasons I just discussed, but aging is going to happen regardless of whether I accept it or not. Here’s what I do know: relationships will get harder to maintain, finances will become an even bigger stressor, there will be pressure in my work life, and I will probably feel lost a lot along the way. But here’s what I also know: this is a time for growth. I will navigate new friendships, I will become more confident in myself, and I will be proud that I’ve made it this far. So, with that, here’s to turning 20!