“Be assertive!” is the infamous phrase my friends and family will tell me when I come to them with yet another situation that could’ve been avoided, if only I were more assertive! I wholeheartedly admit that I’m not very good at it. I’m more of an ‘I’ll-let-people-walk-all-over-me’ kind of girl or a people pleaser rather than someone who willingly stands up for themselves, sets boundaries and communicates how they feel. I’ve come to accept that learning to be assertive would likely add to my quality of life, but just because I’ve acknowledged this, it doesn’t make it any easier to actually do, so here is why being assertive is so f*cking hard!
There is a fine line between being assertive and just being an assh*le
I personally think being assertive is hard work. I always refrain from sticking up for myself because there is a fine line between being able to politely tell people how you feel and just being an assh*le. Since I’m usually feeling emotionally charged in situations that require me to be assertive, I’m always worried that those emotions will impact my decision-making and I will cross that line between being mature and polite in expressing how I feel to being mean and hurting someone’s feelings.
It requires vulnerability
Confronting someone and sticking up for yourself requires a certain level of vulnerability that is raw and real. I think it’s really difficult to express how you feel to someone, especially if how you’re feeling is sad, angry, annoyed or hurt. No one likes to hear that they’ve made a mistake or that they have hurt someone’s feelings, I know I don’t. Outwardly and maturely opening up about how someone has made you feel requires vulnerability and it’s something that doesn’t happen every day, so it can be uncomfortable.
We are taught that our emotions are invalid
I think we can all recall a time or two when we’ve expressed our emotions to someone and they’ve responded in a way that made us feel like our emotions weren’t valid. Maybe someone you care about told you, “you shouldn’t be upset,” “you’re making this a big deal” or “just get over it.” I know I’ve been told all of these things, and it’s definitely hindered my ability to feel comfortable expressing difficult emotions to people. It’s not fun to open up to someone you trust and then be shut down and that’s why being assertive can be hard because we question whether or not we even have the right to be sad, angry or annoyed with someone.
Hurting other people’s feelings sucks
Even if you were super polite with your assertiveness, and the situation was resolved, there is still a chance that the other person’s feelings could be hurt––like I said, confrontation sucks. I feel like I have to detain myself from worrying by reminding myself that if I approach the situation in a mature manner, the fact that the other person is upset is not a “me” problem because although confrontation isn’t fun, I’ve done my part to be respectful. I also tell myself that worrying so much about how other people feel inhibits me from being treated the way I deserve to be treated.
Fear of losing people
It sounds dramatic but rests assured I know people who have been assertive with someone and then that person cut them out of their life. I’ve had it happen to me too and it’s awful. Although I realize now that if someone cuts you out of their life for telling them how you feel, it’s a reflection of their maturity, and they’re probably not worth being in your life anyway. My overthinking brain cells argue that this is always a possibility, and that’s why being assertive is scary. I don’t want to lose people, but at the same time, as mentioned above, if you lose someone important to you because you stuck up for yourself, they weren’t worth your time anyway.
So, after writing this, I’ve concluded that being assertive requires patience and practice. The reasons I struggle with being assertive as listed above have definitely reiterated why being assertive is so f*cking hard, and I’ll have to learn to overcome these barriers that stop me from navigating situations where sticking up for myself is needed.