Learning about sex in school was awkward. The teacher wrote clinical terms on a blackboard while prepubescent teenagers tried to hold in their laughter. Then, everyone would shuffle into the next class where they read about a man’s skull being cleaved in two. Violence was normal, sex was not.
Parents dreaded the day where they would have to give their kids “the talk.” So some never did it at all. This just in: according to parents, ignoring a topic will make it go away.
“Hey kiddo, I know that you literally exist because of sex and will almost certainly do it yourself, but that’s not important.”
Instead, they focused on censorship and avoided the topic like an expert at dodgeball.
Sure, you probably called your friend when you had your first kiss or lost your virginity. You probably spent long hours gossiping about crushes and sex, but when it comes down to it, most people feel uncomfortable opening up about their experiences.
It feels wrong to confide in someone and say “I didn’t have an orgasm and I feel bad about it” or “I feel like having sex more often than my partner.” And yet, so many people have experienced it at one point or another.
We’re conditioned to not talk about our problems and that’s problematic. I call it the unholy trinity: politics, mental health and sex.
So, if the issues are universal, why does no one talk about them? I have a theory. The theory follows the notion that while sex has evolved, the methods in which we talk about it haven’t.
Sex used to be about duty and marital status. Women were told that they were put on this earth to have children and men were told that their duty was to be a breadwinner for their family. The internet wasn’t around and censorship was possible.
Sexual choice and liberation were a threat to this system.
Now, things have changed. Men and women can hook-up with other men and women. Adults don’t have to marry or have children. And porn is available with the click of a button. Even if you don’t seek it out, it will unsuspectingly assault you in a pop-up ad.
Most importantly, people are allowed to enjoy sex. But nobody talks about that part.
I would be willing to bet that if more educators normalized discussions of intimacy and pleasure, sex would be less of a taboo topic of conversation. Maybe then we’d be able to feel comfortable in our own bodies and with our inherent sexualities, without feeling judged.
But we still talk about it so matter-of-factly, like we’re reading from a list of grocery items.
Why are we so afraid to talk about sex? Because the moment we make it subjective, we bring in politics. But if we keep trying to tackle the topic objectively, then we’ll never really talk about it. It’s a true Gordian knot.
My advice is to be aware of the biases the people around you carry. Healthy relationships require a level of openness about sex that we’re not socialized to have. But if you are brave enough to take a leap of faith, others around you will follow and overcoming our vulnerabilities will no longer be an impossible feat.