I’m the oldest daughter out of three girls, and for a long time I resented my two younger sisters. As far as I can remember, they didn’t do anything specific to me. There was no large fight, no broken toys or stolen attention. One day, I just didn’t want to be around them anymore.
This might make me sound like I’m a monster, but I swear it wasn’t intentional. It started maybe when I was around twelve, going through a phase of heavy eyeliner and emo music. I would yell at them if they came into my room, I would interrupt them if they were talking, and I even competed with them to be the one praying at the dinner table.
For the last three years however, I’ve been slowly repairing my relationship with my sisters. I’ve begun to notice a lot of the same struggles I went through when I was their age; the fights with mom, wanting to express myself, challenges in school… I think at some point I naturally gravitated back towards them, called by this deep feeling of shared experience.
I remember very vividly what it felt like going through that alone. As the oldest sister, I had no one my age I could really turn to. I wanted to be someone my sisters could talk to, someone they knew understood and would never judge them.
And so far, my sisters and I had gotten a lot closer than we had ever been before. When a lockdown was implemented in my hometown sometime in March, my sisters and I spent much more time with each other, talking, baking, and watching our favorite shows.
But since I’m on campus this semester and many miles away from home, I once again feel the divide. This semester has hit my sisters hard, with one starting middle school and the other high school in virtual classrooms. I know that it’s hard for them to concentrate in class, that the power goes out in the middle of the school day, and that teachers are much less accessible than they were before. All the while they’re both stuck at home (as there’s still a lockdown), and far away from a lot of friends and family.
I can’t really be there for them in the way that I want to. If I was at home and one of my sisters was having a bad day, I’d snuggle close to them, get a snack and ask how they were feeling. But here on campus, I’m forced to hear them struggle over the phone.
And although I’m excited to be back home for Thanksgiving break and finally be able to see my sisters in person, I know I’ll probably be back on campus in February. I’ll just have to appreciate the time I have with them soon, and hope that they know that although their big sister is far away, she loves them very much.