As bouncers at a popular college bar, we’ve seen a lot of things over the years, but time and time again, college students’ drunk shenanigans seem to prevail. We understand that after a plethora of cocktails, we should always expect the unexpected. That isn’t to say we don’t enjoy one’s party antics or friendly company, because we most certainly do. But after all this time, night after night, myself and other fellow bouncers have come to a consensus on things ladies should stop doing to us bouncers. Not to worry, we threw in a few tips for guy readers as well.
1. Checking ID’s: “You don’t remember me?” or “Do you really need to see it?”
This is probably the most irritating item on the list. You think we just like asking for your ID for the f*ck of it? If we remembered who you were, we wouldn’t ask you for your ID, would we? We see hundreds of different people every single weekend, if we don’t know you personally or you’re not a regular, we won’t remember you. And no, we don’t trust you insisting that you or your friends are of age. So, cough it up folks.
2. The Purse Search.
It’s always the same. An unprepared drunk girl shuffles in with nothing in hand. To her surprise, we ask for her ID. Suddenly, it turns into a 5-minute dig through the dark abyss of that luggage strapped to her shoulder. We’ve had to hold everything from tampons to portable mp3 speakers, while she searches and repeats those slurred words, “it’s in here, IIIIii swears its in hurr sumwhere.” Meanwhile, there’s a line out the door of bystanders waiting to enter or exit. You’re disrupting the herd sweetheart. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, just have it ready.
3. “I could totally be a bouncer”
No, my sweet drunk lady you most certainly couldn’t, so why, WHY, do you insist on sitting next to us trying to collect ID’s? We know you love being the center of attention when everyone pours through the door, but it slows everything down and irritates incoming customers because we have to pry the ID from your drunk fingers so we can check it properly (because lets be honest, you just look at the picture). Also, when you hang over our shoulder and squeal, “totally fake!” at every other persons ID who walks through the door it’s not funny, its annoying, so don’t.
4. 21st Birthdays.
We find this one funny because it is ALWAYS the same. The group of ladies (roughly 4-8 of them) enter all decked out in dresses/heels, boobs pressed up and immediately the immense squealing of excitement begins because, “It’s Sara’s 21st oh my gahhhhhh!!!!!” Then, here comes Sara, with the cliché tiara and sash that reads “Birthday Betch” or the giant flavor-flav sign of to-do tasks, all hopefully achieved before she blacks out and ends up with her bestie holding her hair back as she heaves her tasty birthday dinner into the toilet. They also feel the need to announce to everyone in their general perimeter that it is, in fact, Sara’s birthday, so she gets all the attention and free shots she deserves. We love the enthusiasm ladies, but we can tell it’s your birthday. Besides, you always insist on showing us your ID on your 21st anyway, so that will do.
5. No, we don’t want to arm wrestle you.
6. “Can I get two captain cokes?”
Noooo you can’t, because we are bouncers, we don’t serve you. Ever. Unless all has gone off the rails and the bartenders need the help. We are behind the bar to assist in the clean up/refill process so don’t ask us to make you anything.
7. “Could you just get the bartender for me real quick?”
Again, no, I can’t. The bartenders are flying all over the place trying to memorize the endless concoction of drink orders and mixes; they’re concentrating. So, no, I can’t go interrupt their train of thought because you feel you should be served next. If they know you, they will come to you, if not, they’ll still come to you, so shut up.
8. “Hey friend, how about a free shot?!”
If we feel you deserve a drink or a shot on us, then you would have it. Don’t insult us by trying to take advantage of our job because you are cheap. Buy drinks, have fun, be friendly, tip well, and that’s how you and your friends might end up with free drinks. We don’t owe you anything, friend or not.
9. No Taylor Swift.
It’s a bar full of diversified male and female college students, not an 8th grade girl’s slumber party.
10. Fighters.
We understand being drunk and angry can lead to bad blood with other people, so we understand fights happen, we really do. But, trying to go toe to toe with one of the bouncers? That’s just stupid. We only ever approach you if there is a complaint or a problem, and even then we insist on being as civil as possible. So, when you feel like you need to be Tommy tough nuts or insist on being a smart ass, we have the complete green light to put hands on you. Now, you’ve lost your dignity and your privilege to come have a good time at our bar. You have been warned.
11. “You’re pretty big, how much can you lift bro?”
Really? All these girls around and people having a good time and you want to have this conversation buddy? Move along.
12. No touchy.
Hugs, handshakes and high fives are always welcomed; anything else is annoying and unnecessary. Ladies, you tend to be touchy when you’re drunk, so we’ll cut you some slack.
13. For those who can’t handle your liquor.
If you are going barf, go outside or barf in the toilet. Sounds simple enough, yes?
Well, to many bouncers’ surprise, it has actually proven to be quite complicated for drunken folks. For some reason, ladies find a sink far more appealing to purge in and gents seem to think urinals are a viable option. I’m not sure what the logical appeal is, unless you enjoy inspecting your innards, but we end up having to scoop it out by hand. So please, do us a solid and take it outside, to a toilet, or even on the floor so a quick mop or flush can make it a far easier clean up.
Bouncing at a college bar has proven to be one of the greatest jobs there is, with all the cheap drinks and endless fun you could ever imagine. But, if you bar goers could just abide by these 13 tips, then our jobs will become far less frustrating and will create a much more positive, fun filled night for everyone. See you at Gabby’s dollar rails every Thursday. Cheers!