As we move forward in our lives, we learn the different facets of our identity and their intersectionality. Though as we continue to learn the many different facets, it can become overwhelming when we do not understand them or know how to fit them into our surrounding society. Let me introduce myself– my name is Michelle Aguilar-Gaspar and I have been struggling with my identity.
Identity 1: Race/Ethnicity
To give some background, my parents moved to America with my brothers, and eventually, I came into the picture. I was born as a second-generation immigrant into a family of immigrants living in America. I did not know it then, but being the oddball certainly led me through a stream of identity struggles. My parents always advocated for me to be a good child who made good grades, have good discipline, and helped around the house. They raised me based on old Mexican ideals that they brought over. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this; however, the conflict came as I attended public school. I watched as my white, American peers did as they pleased and lived their “American Dream.” After aspiring for such a life, I tried to accommodate both facets of being Mexican-American.
The conflict that arises with being Mexican-American is that you are too much of one over the other and it switches. Having white friends, speaking more English, losing some of your native language, and not indulging in your Mexican culture considers you to be “white-washed.” Speaking your native language, eating your ethnic food, and not being able to do things because some cultural value is being disrespected can make you almost “too Mexican.” I always thought, if in one instance I’m too American and in the other I’m too Mexican, does that mean that I need to pick one to lead all the time? For a while, that is exactly what I did. I let my American-ness control while only being Mexican at home or when visiting family in Mexico– a safe haven. During quarantine though, I realized that by only being my Mexican self during intimate family moments, I was hiding one of the most important facets of my identity.
Now, I try to incorporate both my Mexican and American facets into my day-to-day life rather than being ashamed of one. To anyone in the same boat, it is a hard process to connect with your roots but remember to surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are and would love to learn more about your culture.
Identity 2: Being ApArt of LGBTQ+
Those aforementioned Mexican cultural values do not necessarily align with being accepting of the LBGTQ+ community. I think at a young age, I already knew I was queer because I looked at everyone as equals. Though, I do not think I could accept it being of my surrounding societal standards. Eventually, I became proud of being the queer person I am. Knowing that my parents would not be thrilled to know this about me is what strays me away from including it as a part of my identity.
This became especially difficult over quarantine when I became cognizant of what it means to be non-binary. I have always been accepting of the LBGTQ+ spectrum, but when it came to myself, I simply could not accept it. I felt like a fraud. Long story short, I eventually accepted it. Unfortunately, I still have not been able to fully integrate it within the facets of my identity.
So, what?
Identity crisis is very real and it is normal to undergo. The couple of identities I listed are not all that define me, but they were the main ones that I struggle with and continue to do so. To deal with an identity crisis is to go through a journey of self-love– in a sense. You must be comfortable with all of yourself to fully accept yourself. At the end of the day, your own validation is what matters– no one elses.