Her Story: A Broken Mirror

It was like looking at a broken mirror, and knowing I should grab some glue and attempt to put the pieces back together. Instead I looked at it and wanted to keep smashing the pieces into smaller ones, until they were gone.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I can openly say I have been a broken mirror too many times in my life. Through childhood, awkward middle school days, and of course, high school. However, I never felt more broken than I did getting out of my first relationship.

I had just come to college, and I was the most naive seventeen year old. I had those innocent brown eyes, the ones who saw the good in everything that moved. I also had no self-confidence, no self-worth, and after getting into a relationship with no self-confidence, I put all of my self-worth into it.

I gave myself that idea that my only role in life was to be a girlfriend, to please my partner, and that was my sole purpose. That when I learn the most valuable lesson in life, don’t ever give someone all of your worth.

I did that, and when my relationship was over, I gave so much, and I had nothing left. I ended up being a broken mirror. Not a bit cracked, or just at an unflattering angle. I was broken into sharp edges that were just a sore sight to see.

I had no idea who I was after my breakup or what I was worth. It was a rebirth, and I was starting all over. I was on this treasure hunt and the prize was finding my self-worth. Not the worth, everybody around saw in me, but what I saw in myself.

This search is hard. I use the word is, because it not something that is found and it’s over. It is a continuous cycle, and battle. It something that I have to search for every day of my life. 

The first thing I had to do in my journey was to learn to love who I am. Find the thing that I love about myself. I always looked for my friends, my partner, even strangers to tell me what good about myself, completely giving them that power. Along this journey I realized I am supposed to tell my story, who I am, and I am supposed to have that power. I am the power player in my life. We all are the power player in our stories. Everybody else is just a recurring character.

Finding things I loved about myself was hard. I couldn’t name one good quality about myself for the longest time, but I spent time searching for it. I started embracing my quirks instead of shaming them. My New York accent was one of them. I always try to hide it, or act like it’s not a part of me. Then one day, I just decided to love it, and stop caring if it sounded unusual. I loved it about myself, and that the opinion that matter the most.

I embraced what I enjoyed. That my biggest advice for anybody: find what you love, and roll with it. It is hard to be torn down if you’re enjoying the talent, hobby, or job that you have. I went back to reading poetry, something that gave me ease, something I lost along the way of losing myself.

The most important thing I did was standing up for myself. This one, I am not going to lie, I struggle with the most. It is so hard for me to stand up for myself. I always assume I am in the wrong, or I just flat out suck. The thing is, how can I expect people to treat me well, if I don’t treat myself that way? I can’t receive love if I don’t give myself love. I can’t expect self-worth if I am not giving myself self-worth.

I do things for me. I put myself first, take care of myself, and remove myself from of situations that are not helping me grow. I go to yoga once a week because that makes me happy. I am being my own best friend by taking care of myself, standing up for who I am, and not forgetting my needs.

I am struggling finding my worth, and feeling good enough. It the biggest battle I will struggle with. I understand it easy to give our power to someone else, and it’s not on purpose, it happens. It important though for our self-love to never stop giving up on ourselves.

We are broken mirrors at times, but we can look back and see beauty and strength, instead of sadness and despair. I will have scars from the damages, but they are repairable, it just takes time. You can too, Collegiettes. Just take the time.