Recently, I’ve noticed a strained attention to the Millennial “hookup culture” and how it is or isn’t the best or worst thing that has ever happened to a generation’s ability to create relationships.
It seems like everyone thinks casual hooking up has altered relationship dynamics hugely and a part of me wants to wholly agree. Yet, I think there might be more to it.
I mean, FOB’s and drunken make-out sessions are pretty commonplace nowadays. We talk openly about our sexventures with friends and experimenting with sexuality has become much more socially accepted than in the past. But really, people have been hooking up for ages. Cosmopolitan was around long before most of us, and Carrie Bradshaw had a sex column when we were still teenyboppers.
So, what is it about our generation that has made turning a hookup into a relationship so irrationally impossible?
I think casually hooking up is part of it, but if you ask me, it can be pinpointed more easily at the death of the date. What ever happened to grabbing a cup of coffee and talking about our families? When did splitting an appetizer and bonding over our mutual hate for the annoying waiter become the end all? Why is it so hard for us to simply ask, “Hey, want to go bowling tonight?”
Well, to start, I think the word “date” has gotten a pretty bad wrap among the male community. Let me break it down. Boys are simple creatures. Now, don’t get me wrong, they can be intelligent, creative, hilarious individuals, but as a group, men are basic. They want to have fun, want to do so in a manner that doesn’t require a whole lot of work, and at some primal level, they want to get laid. I think, to them, dating translates to paying money to talk to a girl for two hours. Does that sound fun, easy, or… ahem… satisfying?
Casual hookups fall under each of the above categories, so of course we’re all (women included) going to enjoy the simplicity and freedom that goes along with them.
What we end up losing, though, is intimacy. We lose the intimacy of finding out his big brother is his hero or that he wants to travel when he graduates because he’s never left the state. You never share your love of hiking or that you plan on naming your first dog Arnold, because Hey Arnold was the epitome of your childhood.
Those are conversations you have over a dinner or while taking a stroll down State. We pick up on little quirks and nuances on dates that aren’t revealed in the closet of a fraternity mid-grope. This intimacy can be scary and maybe that’s why dating is a dying art. Regardless if it’s the first or fifth date, we’re sharing more of our true selves than we’re really used to. Intimacy, to many, translates to relationships and relationships translate to a loss of freedom. That loss is something that a lot of people our age aren’t ready to give up, myself included.
So, while hooking up has become so absolutely causal that a Walk of Shame has become a norm, dating has turned into a ball and chain that latches on and whispers “marriage, marriage, marriage” in the depths of the night.
Ok, so maybe that’s a little dramatic, but I truly believe dating terrifies people, not only because we are opening ourselves up, but also because we assume we have to become exclusive if the date happens. We need to close the gap between hooking up and going on dates, because, in a normal reality, dating does not mean monogamy and being in a relationship is different than building relationships. Because, in the end, that’s what dating is. It’s learning about each other and understanding one another as human beings, rather than as sex toys.
Dating should be fun, and it should be casual. We should be realizing what we do and don’t like in a person and we should be trying to connect in ways that help us grow as individuals. These human interactions are what make life great. Of course, it’s not always easy or fun and there are going to be bad, bad dates, but that’s part of the human experience, too.
In the end, we as a generation need to, for lack of a better phrase, grow some balls and get over our fears of intimacy, rejection, stagnation, failure, embarrassment, and loss. This is stuff that comes with dating—but laughter and friendship and joy and memories come too.
Casual sex is all fine and good, but connecting with people in ways that aren’t physical should be something we look forward to as well. I think that’s what we really need to remember about dating.
We need to remember that it’s not about finding the love of your life or even latching on to a relationship. Dating is about learning and growing through the experiences of another person, enjoying the chemistry that builds during banter, and maybe getting a goddamn great goodnight kiss (which, let’s be honest, is one of the greatest things like, ever). I’m not asking for much. I don’t expect to order a single milkshake with two straws or to be swept off my feet John-Tucker-in-a-sailboat style or even to spend more than 20 bucks on a first date (the cheaper the better, man). I don’t need you to call me your girlfriend after date number X or even remotely expect to be the only girl you’re seeing.
I’m just asking that we work on wanting to understand each other in ways that don’t involve a rubber.
So, coffee anyone?