Finding Peace in Shame-free Solitude
I’ve always been an introvert. Even as a young child, I needed frequent alone time so I could decompress after the draining social demands of the day. Being a college student and living on campus has only heightened this need.Â
College life is not suited towards the ways of the introvert. I found living in a dorm to be particularly excruciating. After a full day of seeing new people and making small talk, the last thing my weary mind desired was to return to the confines of a crowded dorm room. Still, being a freshman, I felt like I had to meet as many people as possible, anxiously attending every function and get-together. My days felt so draining, and the little time I had to recharge was often consumed by schoolwork.
For me, freshman year was a constant headache. I felt like I could never catch a break. There were times I felt so overwhelmed that I began to believe that I was not built for a college lifestyle. After a year of experience, I know now that a “college lifestyle” can be whatever I shape it to be, and I decided I wanted to prioritize my alone time. This year, I was fortunate enough to have an apartment with my own room. I have my own little safe place to relax freely, and I leave my room feeling rejuvenated rather than further fatigued. This alone time has been a massive relief, and my mental state is much healthier this semester. This year, I’m less stressed as well as a better student. I value spending time with my friends and family, but I also love being by myself. Yet, despite my newfound happiness, I still struggle with being critical of myself for not being more outgoing.
Most of the time, I talk to the same people every day, and there are some days where I see very few people at all. Introverts still need and rely on other humans, and there’s definitely a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I feel lonely, sometimes. There are days where I chastise myself, blaming my hermit habits on why I don’t have many friends. I feel self conscious in large groups, anxious that everyone is noticing how I’m not engaging as much as I should. My overthinking nature leads to a spiral of self-doubt where I worry others perceive my quietness as being awkward or even rude. I feel claustrophobic at parties, and generally prefer to mingle on the edges of the crowd rather than in the middle of the dance floor. I try to enjoy myself, but in the back of my mind, I think of how much I’ve failed.
It’s hard to combat these feelings that there’s something wrong with me. It’s not completely hopeless for introverts, though. I’ve been making an effort to ground myself in these moments of social terror. I try to stay in the moment. If I find that I’m being too hard on myself, I take a deep breath and start to observe my surroundings. I find a lot of peace in just people watching. I try not to shame myself when I’m by myself, either. I have to constantly remind myself that I am happy being alone right now, and I deserve to be happy. Even if it feels like my friends or other people are pushing me to be more extroverted, I stay firm in my boundaries. Instead of wasting my energy, during the times I feel like being social, I focus on the activities that actually bring me joy. I like to make time for the people I love, and for the people who love me exactly the way I am.
Even if I do feel lonely, this is okay, too. Loneliness is an emotion to be felt and overcome like everything else in life. Everyone I’ve ever known has had lonely times before. It’s reassuring to know that we have all survived it.
For my fellow introverts who are dealing with similar feelings, I recommend using your alone time in a way that is productive, relaxing or both. I’m much less likely to regret being alone if I use the time to watch my favorite TV show or organize my closet. Even if you want to do nothing but take a cozy nap, this is time well spent, in my opinion. No one should ever feel bad for spending quality time with themselves.Â
On that note, I’ll end with a quote from Toni Morrison, who articulated my own feelings better than I ever could: “Lonely, ain’t it? Yes, but my lonely is mine.”