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The Inner Monologue of a Walk of Shame

Her Campus Placeholder Avatar Hillary Bautch
Her Campus Placeholder Avatar Madison Eckle
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Wisconsin chapter.

Ladies, most of us have been there in one way or another. You stumbled home with that I-really-shouldn’t-be-doing-this cutie from the bar. You wake up with your head pounding, makeup running down your face, and somehow have to make it home to the comfort of your own bed. I give you: the inner monologue of a walk of shame.

  1. *eyes open* Shit wtf happened last night?
  2. This was definitely a mistake.
  3. *stands up* Ugh okay being vertical is not a thing right now.
  4. Fuck where’s my phone?
  5. Should I call a cab? I don’t have any cash. Uber? Nah I can’t let them see me like this.
  6. JESUS WHAT IS LIFE I’M SO CONFUSED
  7. Okay I have to pee and then I’ll leave.
  8. *looks in the mirror* DEAR GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FACE?!
  9. I am seriously never drinking again. (LOL)
  10. What short cuts can I take so no one will see me? Oh wait, it’s Madison and short cuts are not a thing.
  11. *gets outside* It’s fine I’ll just keep my head down and no one will know
  12. …except that I’m wearing a sparkly skirt and carrying 5-inch heals
  13. So many blisters… how does this happen?!
  14. SHIT I suck. My mom would be so proud right now. (Sorry, Mom)
  15. Am I ever gonna see him again?
  16. Should I add him on Facebook? Too soon?
  17. Okay, focus. Must avoid walking past place of employment at all costs.
  18. My whole body aches.
  19. Fuck I know that girl. Avoid eye contact maybe she won’t see me.
  20. That girl over there is definitely walk-of-shaming too. I’ll give her the nod like, hey girl we understand each other.
  21. My contacts feel like sandpaper.
  22. There’s a spoon in my pocket…NO we went to Qdoba last night, didn’t we? #regrets
  23. New text from “Mike Wando’s” …um? “It was so great to meet you last night” WHO ARE YOU?!
  24. Okay I can see my house FINALLY the promised land *starts running*
  25. *walks in the door* “Good night last night?” -Roomie
  26. …don’t ask.

Collegiettes, the struggle is so real. Whether you have personally experienced this or your best friend has, we can all sympathize in some way. Bonus points if it’s happened to you on spring break in Cabo. Or on an island in Greece. Or the night before a final. As wise woman named Christina Aguilera once said: ladies, no regrets.

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Hillary (@hillarybautch) is an aspiring yogi, a writer, an amateur photographer, and the first to offer a witty anecdote. She loves curling up with a good book, but rarely allows herself the time. She is one of "those" morning people and has complete faith in the higher power that is Beyonce.
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Madison Eckle

Wisconsin

Madison is a senior at the University of Wisconsin pursuing a major in English Literature with minors in Entrepreneurship and Digital Media Studies. Post college, Madison plans to complete her dreams of being the next Anna Wintour. In her free time, Madison enjoys listening to Eric Hutchinson, eating dark chocolate, and FaceTiming her puppies back home. When she isn't online shopping, or watching YouTube bloggers (ie Fleur DeForce), Madison loves exploring the vast UW Campus and all it has to offer! She is very excited to take this next step in her collegiette career as Campus Correspondent and Editor-in-Chief for HC Wisco. On Wisconsin!