How my journaling became toxic and what I did to fix it
Are you journaling to vent or complain about an aspect of your life? To write things on paper that you could never speak out loud? To remember the dream you had last night? To look back on memories one day? To reflect on your love for someone? To reflect on yourself? The purpose of your journaling matters a great deal more than you might think. Everyone proclaims the benefits and joys of journaling, but nobody talks about the tricky cycle you can get wrapped up in while trying to be your own therapist. I’m going to share how shifting the way I journal has changed my attitude and perspective on everyday situations in hopes that you can learn from my mistakes.
Like most people, I’ve developed the routine of journaling a handful of times throughout my life and then fallen out of it shortly after. I always considered journaling to be a healthier hobby than scrolling through social media or watching television, so it was a win in my book. However, after my longest experience to date with journaling this year, it makes more sense to me how the activity can foster a negative attitude and a draining mindset.
I got back into journaling towards the end of May this year simply because I fell in love with my new fine-tip ballpoint pens. They write clearly and boldly without smudging, which is a special bonus when you’re left-handed like me (it’s the little things). I continued to journal consistently throughout the summer and ended up burning through two journals by the end of August. I went through some hard times over those three months so naturally, I tried navigating them through my journaling.
Many people journal to gain clarity on something, whether that be their love life, friendships, work, a trait they want to explore about themselves, and so on. However, you aren’t meant to be your own therapist. When I began journaling daily over the summer, I started to linger on incredibly deep questions like, why am I stuck in this cycle, and will I ever get out of it? or, why do I feel this emptiness? or, why am I so confused about what to do here? Eventually, the negativity of my journaling began to manifest itself in my mind because I was venting and condemning myself every day rather than seeking out a productive strategy. I was stuck in this cycle of bringing myself down through journaling rather than lifting myself up. What was supposed to be a calming and centering experience now triggered resentment towards myself.
Come end of August, I fortunately began my healing journey from the difficulties I experienced over the summer. After coming to these realizations, it was obvious to me why I could never gain any clarity from my journaling. Instead, I needed an active plan that would help and it needed to involve people I trust. I ended up taking a month off of journaling to take care of myself and make some huge changes in my life. To some extent, I owe this turning point to journaling because it exposed the hurtful ways I spoke to myself not just on paper, but in my mind throughout the day, every day. This is why it’s important to reflect on the purpose of your journaling and if it bears any fruit.
After a month away, I went to the store to pick up a new journal. I was ready to reframe my writing. I didn’t want to close my journal and feel overwhelming bitterness, sadness, or hopelessness ever again. Now when I journal, I mindfully lift myself and others up in some way, no matter the circumstance. I make sure that I’m speaking life into things, into people, into places, and into myself. At the end of my excerpts, I write down an uplifting thought before closing the book. These adjustments have helped shift my attitude and mindset tremendously as I go about my days. I am left feeling clear-minded and ready to be a better version of myself.
It is shockingly easy to fall into harmful patterns without realizing the hold they begin to have over you. Realizing that there is a problem that’s affecting you is the first step closer to making a change. Who would have thought the problem could be journaling? Whether you currently journal or are considering starting, I encourage you to be mindful of the words you write and to respect yourself in the process.