An Open Letter to Slow Walkers as told by Mean Girls

Dear Slow Walkers,

Why? Why are you like this?

Don’t get me wrong — I have been you many times, but I make the conscious effort not to be slow when I walk to class. As cliche as it sounds, walking surfaces are like traffic lanes; you wouldn’t be cruising at 25 in a 60 mph zone during rush hour between classes, would you? I would hope not.

I get it… your last class is over, and you are checked out for the day. I’m the same way. Not everyone has the luxury of strolling down University Avenue at noon on a Wednesday, though: some people have to rush to class from Humanities to the Psych building in 10 minutes, and it takes 8 minutes to get there and they want to — You know what? Just please move, there’s not enough time to explain.

Slow Walkers, I’m sure you’re all great people inside, but you need to get out of the middle of the sidewalk.

Some of the walkways here are pretty narrow, so just do everyone a favor and be a decent human being by keeping up with the pace of traffic. Once it opens up and gets a little wider, you can fade off to the far edge and stroll to your heart’s content. Leave the middle for the speed demons. But just in case you don’t know how to do that, here are some tips:

1. Walk on the right side of the path 

I shouldn’t even have to spell this one out for you. Just don’t be that person who walks up the left and butts traffic.

2. DO NOT walk in a horizontal line when you’re with a party of more than two people

NO. JUST DON’T. I apologize for the all caps rage; but, seriously, I implore you to not do this. You don’t get the whole span of the sidewalk for you and your squad. I get it, no one wants to be the awkward third person in the back, but I promise that you’ll still be able to hear your friends’ conversation. You’ll survive for the 5-15 minute walk to class. That said, when you’re on the narrower walkways, sometimes even walking two across doesn’t work. Friends, this is also okay. We will all live not walking next to our bestie for a few minutes.

4. Pay attention to where you’re going

Don’t stare at your phone with your head down — keep those eyes up just as a safety measure. I’ve seen multiple people attempt to cross the street blindly, only looking up seconds after stepping off the curb. This applies to drivers as well. Sure, looking down for an occasional song change is fine, but don’t be the crazy car who counts on pedestrians to be alert. ‘Tis rude, my dudes.

Disclaimer: I am not perfect, and I’m fully guilty of multiple of these infractions. However, for the amount of people we’ve all body-checked, squeezed by or even run smack into, let’s all make the conscious effort to make the walk to class suck a little less.

Sincerely,

Lauren (the girl constantly trying to get around you)

• class
• walking