Lightweight (n.) One who fails at drinking.
Example:
– Yo, did you see Kenneth last night?
– Yeah! He got wasted off beer mixed with Sprite!
– Oh man, what a light weight.
(Well, that’s what Urban Dictionary says anyways. I mean it’s just the most reliable dictionary out there. And don’t you dare to say any differently!)
It’s 2016, why are people still lightweight shaming? It’s okay, I understand that you’re jealous because you are simply physically incapable of being as fun as I am, but there’s really no need for the shades. Let’s be real, you are just obsessed with me, and you secretly wish you were me.
1. Let’s just get this out of the way.
Yep. I’m just like Tom Brady. The more you criticize me, the better I will become. So STFU, before I tear the place down. You can’t tame me, even if you tried.
2. I’m the one who saves money on booze, not you.
I don’t know who loses in this situation, you tell me. Well, I guess it’s different if you like blowing off unnecessary money… wait, I forgot that makes you an automatic loser too!
3. I’m the confident (narcissistic?) one, not you.
It will take me half the drinks you need to take to find my non-existent confidence.
4. And because of that, I’m the fun one, not you.
You know I’m not afraid to tear down the dance floor (even though we all know I can’t dance). Step back, admire and applaud, losers!
5. I’m the one who can sweet talk bouncers, not you.
At this point, I’m just shameless. I’ll do anything to get us in the party, whether that be putting my sweet-talk hat on, or just straight up tackling the bouncer. Do you have the guts to do that? Didn’t think so. You’re welcome, haters.
6. I’m the queen of sass, not you.
A for effort, though. Better luck next time.
7. I’m the philosopher, not you.I ask dumb, entertaining, yet meaningful questions like this. I once asked people who invented hinges. Seriously, think about it. It’s an amazing creation! How would we open doors and cabinets without them? I think about things that matter, not you.
8. I’m the one who will pass out like a baby when I get home, not you.
It basically takes me no effort to fall asleep. I don’t know though, it gets confusing sometimes, since I am a sloth who lives in a human body.
9. I’m the one who never blacks out, not you.
I actually remember things we did, because I don’t have as much toxins in my body as you do. I actually remember the good stuff (and I can make fun of you for YOUR dumb things). Now, who’s the loser?
Sure, I’m here to entertain you and I’m here to have fun, but I’ll admit things do get messy and hectic sometimes. So here’s one thing I’ve got to say all the haters:
Thanks for sticking with me, heavyweight haters. (On second thought, maybe you should thank me? I provided the entertainment.)